Playing Gotcha: Hillary's Achilles Heel

As our national football team miss-kick England's dreams in an operatic, mud-splattered failure, our minds turn to another booboo across the pond. Last week Hillary Clinton was polling at 46% in the race for the Dem's nomination. This week: 36%. What the he'? How'd THAT happen? Suffice to say, she has had a bit of a 'mare, these last few news cycles. Let's take a closer look.

Suzanne Goldberg of the Guardian, in town last week to flog her new book (but none the worse for it) got her Mystic Meg on and predicted something: the issue that's going to follow Hillary Clinton around like a bad smell ain't her husband, it ain't her continuing (dude! Stop it) votes in support of the Bush/Cheney foreign policy, it ain't her pants suits or her spine-chilling laugh. No, said Goldberg, rather than being stuck between Iraq and a hard place, she's going to be hung out to dry on the subject of Immigration.

Hillary, as an elected representative for the state of New York, came out in support of some pretty progressive immigration legislation, and generally bigged up the subject. She wadn't going to get elected in New York otherwise. UN fortunately, what gets you elected in new York is eh-he-hexTREMELY unlikely to endear you to the good people of, well, practically anywhere else in America.

And lo, she was thusly hoisted on her own petard:

And further lo, did Edwards and Obama bear down upon her, great shiny white teeth a'glinting, and tear her answer limb from limb and sniggering all the while.

Nobody knows yet where Hillary Clinton's going to come down on the subject of Immigration, or quite how her campaign are going to wrestle their narrative back into position. Indeed, the Clintonians have been leading the story for so long that they might have plum forgotten how to do anything else. Of the 8 points they dropped last week, Obama took 2, Edwards took 4, and 3, like, don't even know anymore man. As the anonymous lobbyist says, perhaps the people Americans want to see politicking aren't necessarily the people they want to see in charge of the country.

Mind you, at the Democrat's death-match-cage-fight in Las Vegas last week, Hillary stood triumphant and bloodied at the end:

Oooo, SNAP.

Election 2008 OR...The Archers?

Sorry, guess we must have passed out in a drunken stupor on the couch after the 300th New Debate Format Extravaganza. Even PAID bloggers don't try to do too much. Where are we now? Hold on a sec...ok. Right. Weeee're...pretty much where we left off! Turns out this race is like The Archers: 3 updates a day, and you could emigrate for fifty years without much happening. Though at least the Archers had a gay marriage, and, while our great aunt threw her embroidery across the room when it happened, that was a price Radio 4 was willing to pay, unlike SOME leaders of the free world we could mention.

Jeez, something must have happened. Ok, ok, everyone got all het up about Hill-Clint's laugh:
and you can kinda see their point. It looks like she's about to kill us. But then again, we like that about her, right?

John Edwards was accused of cheating on his (AWESOME, DYING, SHOULD-TOTALLY-BE-PRESIDENT) wife. There are no links to this story available on the internet anymore, which means that The National Enquirer was probably about to get the living bejesus sued out of them by the Edwards Campaign. Edwards also seems to have been losing some ground in Iowa, his last chance saloon, to Obama AND Hillary. This makes us so depressed we want to get drunk and pass out again.

We'd like to give a shout out to our new fave columnist: Gail Collins of the New York Times. Click here to read her on baby boomers and Hillary.


Hillary is winning. Everything. Still. But seriously, read Gail Collins. And listen to the Archers. And hell, have a slice of cake. Aaah; it's good to be back.

Clinton On Top

Now a certain someone has finally come on out and said who they think's gonna win the democratic primaries. Pundits have been waiting with baited breath for this moment. But who is our mysterious political soothsayer? Is it Al Gore? Newt Gingrich? David Letterman? Britney Spears? Woah. Hold up. Check this, you guys: it's the President. You know, the President of the United States? Medium-sized, cowboy hat, undead wife? No? Um. Anyway, he reckons Hillary Clinton's going to win everything.

Deep. It's not like she's polling in the stratosphere, spent this Sunday on all five breakfast talk shows, has raised trazillions and is attracting other people's campaign staff like she's a magnet and they're iron shavings. It's not like if aliens attacked and were vanquished by a nuclear arsenal (hello? did no-one think of this? when we're fighting an intergalactic war we'll be whistling a different tune about Iran, that's for sure) the single comprehensible piece of information they'd take away from the planet is that Hillary's pretty much gonna get the nomination. It's not like Bush predicting this is the same as him putting on his deepest voice and saying "MARK ME: TOMORROW WILL BE A WEDNESDAY." Mind you, he's not all that good at the days of the week.

WHY do the Repubs keep bandying Hillary about? Are they afraid of looking stupid when she does get the nomination? Or is there a darker reason? Might they...WANT her to get it? Might they be massaging the conservative voting base by issuing dire warnings? Think about it. We're going on holiday...Back on Monday. Love you, byeeee.



We've been puzzlin' this one for a while now.

Dennis Kucinich: We'll Have What He's Having.

Hello, birds, hello trees! All you need is love, da-da-dada-da, All you need is love - and a stupendously hot wife growing out of your left shoulder - da-da-dada-da. And possibly a small amount of high-grade, da-da-dada-da. Democratic Presidential Candidate Dennis Kucinich is no longer the Former Mayor of Cleveland, he's the Goddamn Mayor of Love. Unhuh, get down! And while you're down there, let us know if you can see what Elizabeth K is doing to her husband from behind to make him smile like that. Then go to your happy place. In ours, Kucinich has been elected president entirely on the back of this Ad:

Sigh.

The time when The Monocle felt most loved was when we called our mum at 4 in the morning, and she said "Don't worry about waking me, I can take the chutney out of the oven" then totally talked us through a really hard time. Mums are the best! See, bet you thought we'd be snarky. Snarky no more! It's a new day, and we're gonna make sure Kucinich is President. Now. In order to get him elected we'll have to get rid of that smile, run some negative ads, take a lot more money from special interest groups, denounce that sh*t about gay marriage, refuse to talk about abortion, ignore the immigration bill, at least mention Jesus, get some lifts on those shoes and...Oh. Oh wait.

Bugger.

Golly My Wife Is On the Phone What a Surprise.

Rudolph Giuliani has an iffy history with the National Rifle Association, to say the least. As mayor of New York F*ckin Citeh in its Taxi Driver days, he was kind of mean about guns. If you believe New Yorkers, back then a thirteen-year-old girl could buy a massive bazooka from her nearest Bodega and roam the streets unchecked, holding up steakhouses. So it's no wonder he said this:

Unfortunately, one can't swan about slagging off the NRA when one is running for President. Rudy's method of Mayoring in New York Citeh involved the heavy, heavy hand of the law taking a vice-like grip on all 5 boroughs. This doesn't really jive so well with the NRA's anti goverment-interference 'tude.

Inevitably, at the NRA conference on Friday, (like a beauty parade entirely for your wierd neighbour who sits out on the porch in a vest all day and stares at your wife for way too long) poor Rudy was required to backpedal, dodge, twist and shimmy in front of a stony-faced crowd. Brrr. Especially when Mike 'the governator' Huckabee of Arkansas kept going on about how he hunts every other day and named his youngest son Rifle and stuff.

Of course the best Gudy can hope for is that the NRA won't actively try to block his nomination; if they sit this election out - apart from muttering under their breath - he'll be ok. Rudy did his best, equating his LAWSUIT AGAINST GUN MANUFACTURERS (what was he thinking?) with the NRA's commitment to crime prevention. It was a masterful attempt. And then. This happened.

What. The F*ck.

We don't like to big ourselves up, but if a British politician tried a stunt like that little number the country would declare a national holiday entirely devoted to taking the piss; there'd be street-fairs, mandatory re-enactments, dancing and huge screens with the whole thing playing on a glorious, insulting loop. The politician would be forced to sign a pledge that he would never again run for elected office and would retire to a life of guest-hosting 'Have I Got News For You', writing for the Spectator and being papped outside Mahiki. His obituary would be accompanied by a photograph of him taking part in a charity football match dressed as a mobile phone.

The NRA gave him grudging applause.

Hillary Tells a Joke

Here's a tasty taste of what happens when you don't let a candidate sleep for 40 days:



Is it us, or does Hillary look like she forgot that her role as best man at a shotgun wedding wasn't over and got stuck into the 'poo way before lunch had even started, so that by the time the speeches rolled around she had to be poked in the gut by her beady-lookin' wife, slipped a little on her way to the mic, forgot the name of the bride, told a dick joke, realised she was bombing and, in desparation, thought it'd be funny to liken the bride's mother to Darth Vader.

We like this new, 'Boris Johnson' Hillary. It's a great way to go. Though: at least, if you're going to let your candidate talk trash about how the Vice President is a supervillain, put a little blusher on her. Give her some coffee.

Thatcher and Giuliani: Love All

FINALLY! Someone somewhere has realized that England totally wasn't getting enough play in this election and sent a delegation to meet with the government. Only, they went to meet the government of 1984, as led by Big Bad Baroness Thatcher. And they sent Rudy Giuliani. But no matter! We're important!

Before he jumped back on the plane to spend today with the National Rifle Association, Rudy shook as many limp British hands as he could, went to a fundraising dinner, and embraced the ghost of conservatives past by hanging out with the Iron Lady. But WHY? Well, The Guardian suggests that gabbing with The Milk Snatcher is as close as these GOP candidates can get to actually exhuming the body of Ronald Reagan.

Now that everyone can see just how special we are to the Free World, get ready for a veritable onslaught of potential Presidents: the next few months will bring Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, ratcheting up the gorgeous with every new visitor. So pick a guy, then arrange to spend 5,000 smackeroos for the privilege of having your photo taken with them at a dinner. They're like Mickey Mouse; and it costs about the same as a trip to Disneyland.

Ron Paul Supporter Makes A Good Point

For the longest time, we've felt that Republican candidate Ron Paul's supporters give the internet the worst name. They shout at you in BADLY SPELLD CAPTIAL LETTERS ON YOUTUBE RON APUL 4 PRESDIENT SPEAKIN TRUTH 2 POWER READ THE DESCRIPTION!!!!!!!! A new dawn is breaking, however, as one brave Paul-ista makes her voice heard above the crowd. And how? With her bare, pure, honest skin, of course. It's raw. It's moving. It's art:




Wouldn't she be stupid not to? Personally, we don't think a thing's been said properly unless it's been said by a tank top. Ours have the details of John Edwards's poverty policy. Also, they're baby blue! Awesome.

Is America Ready for a Woman Whatsitcalled?

Hey everybody! People keep asking, "Is America ready for a woman President?" To this, we reply: Is America ready for a FEMALE president. FEMALE. In what eaarthly world is "woman" an adjective? GodDAMMIT.

Back when The Monocle was in college, and there was nothing to do but get high and spend our student loans on box-sets of HBO shows, we sure did watch a lot of Sex And The City. Aaah, good times. Often, when things are bothering us, we still like to sit around in our comfiest lingerie/Manolo combination and ponder those big questions in life. You too, right? And when Samantha Bee got a job as a comedy pundit on US faux-news program The Daily Show, there were those who wondered: is America ready for a woman comedian? Then it turned out that Samantha was OMG sooo funny. Here she is, finally pointing out quite how dumb a certain question is.

Republicans Hate Jesus, Minorities.

The Republicans are totally going to win this election without the vote of a single minority, everybody. Who needs black people? Who needs Latinos? Last week all the Republican candidates except John 'At This Point, Anything' McCain refused to debate on Unavision, North America's largest Spanish-language TV channel. Yesterday it emerged that the top 5 Republican candidates certainly weren't going to go down to Baltimore to debate at a historically black college. No way Jose. Turns out they're real busy that particular day. The 5, uh, shall we say "back runners", however, (wait, there are TEN GOP candidates? Really?) will be there. This story is starting to be picked up in every national blog: it could be serious.


Confused? Man, us too. Who are these people's PEOPLE? They should be hella fired. Maybe the thinking is this: with a Clinton and a black guy on the opposite end (and thus spake Giuliani yesterday, prophesying a Clinton/ Obama ticket in some interview or other) why even f*cking bother? Maybe that ship has already sailed...It might be worth mentioning, though, that this whole thing could be total bullcr*p - a mildly effective Democrat stunt. You know, that's kind of a cheering idea. Maybe finally the Donkey is growing some balls. Think about that. No, not that.

Clinton Vs. Giuliani

Surprise! Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani are still scuffling about that pesky war. Poor Hillary: one tiny vote for the war in Iraq, like, AGES ago, and people just won't get off her case about it. This latest bout of playground pushing comes in the wake of a f**king stupid advertisement in the New York Times taken out by liberal campaigners MoveOn. The ad dubbed General Petraeus 'General Betray-Us' which isn't even funny and made the Democrats look like crazy slogan-shouting nonsense-pedlars. Mind you, MoveOn.org has always been the embarassing uncle of the liberal movement.

Soo, after a breif victory jig, the Republican party wasted no time choosing Hillary as their prime target.

Hillary fought back, saying: "I have repeatedly not only expressed my strong admiration and support for our men and women in uniform but with respect to General Petraeus, I have also made my respect for him abundantly clear and I think that speaks for itself," which both makes no sense and seems utterly clear, like almost everything she ever says.

Both candidates actually benefit from this kind of public one-on-one; by only taking each other on they're almost already fighting the general election, as well as further endearing themselves to their core supporters. The only possible problem will come when the entire country realizes that the issue is unbelievably boring, and has nowhere to go. Hillary voted for the war. Now she wishes she hadn't. She's probably not gonna say sorry about that. You decide. The end.

Oops! Thompson Forgets Most Important Legal Case of the Century

It turns out that no matter how many smart people you have working on a campaign it still kinda matters whether or not yer candidate is at least a little bit on top of his shit. Ever since Fred Thompson kicked off his run, Arthur Branch, DA has been blundering about, tripping over every important conservative issue in sight. First he hated on Jesus, now he can't totally recall the details of the Terri Schiavo case:

“I can’t pass judgment on it. I know that good people were doing what they thought was best,” Thompson said. “That’s going back in history. I don’t remember the details of it.”

Ok. I mean, my cat remembers the Schiavo case, but sure. Not being able to pass judgement on it, though? Uh, isn't that part of the point of, you know, running for President?
Liberal commentators have suggested that this latest booboo will sound the death knell for Thompson's relationship with the Republican base. It probably won't, because no-one pays attention to these little details, but if he carries on like this someone's gonna notice.

GOD

Wooh. That picture's kinda scary. Anyhoodle, today we're going to talk a little bit about Jeezus. Jeezus will be watching over the next few months reeeally carefully. Everywhere you turn, there he'll be, tripping up perfectly ordinary issues with his big old feet, shouldering his way into debates you never even dreamed he might show up at.

in 2004, George Bush Junior won 78% of the evangelical Christian vote, to John Kerry's 21%. While the Evangelical vote isn't, as most Europeans believe, a MASSIVE voting block, when elections are as close as they were in 2000 and 2004, how everyone votes is crucial. The Evangelical vote made a real difference. There are two types of Evangelicals: hard-line conservatives, and what some pundits term "freesyle" Evangelicals. Freestyle Evangelicals tend to be pretty moderate, and not necessarily Republican voters. It's worth noting that in the 90s Bill Clinton won not just the Freestyle vote, but quite a bit of the Crazy vote as well. The again, Blinton really liked Jeezus a whole lot. Jeezus with the babbling and the snakes and all.

While Evangelical Christians are not necessarily the batshit conservatives that Europe sniggeringly terms them, they do like the Lord, and they're not alone in America. Fred Thompson has just waved buh-bye to everyone by admitting that he only goes to church when his mom drags him there by the ear. "I know I'm right with God, and with those I love." he says. Yeeeah. But why don't you like church? Makes you feel a little uncomfortable, huh Fred? OR DO YOU HATE BABY JESUS?

Phoney Fred

Yesterday was was the anniversary of 9/11 - and what better way to Remember Our Heroes than with a Memorial Nasty Anonymous Website Casting Wild And Certainly Libelous Accusations At Your Opponent? Mitt Romney's campaign may or may not have been hurling secret poo at Fred Thompson on the internet, and they got caught. Next time, they should make sure the website they say mean things on can't be immediately linked to the business partner of a top Romney campaign consultant. What a poignant time for this to happen. Mitt Romney: Showing America How to Grieve.

The Romney Campaign denies all knowledge of the anti Fred Thompson 'Phoney Fred' website, which appeared sometime on the 10th, and disappeared sometime after everyone suggested that it wasn't cool, man. That kind of behaviour only makes you look bad. Jeez, did we learn nothing in Primary School? And so, In the Spirit of Memory that Marks This Sad Time, we have Preserved some of it for You:

"The Faces of Phoney Fred

* Fancy Fred
* Five O’clock Fred
* Flip-Flop Fred
* McCain Fred
* Moron Fred
* Playboy Fred
* Pro-Choice Fred
* Son-of-a-Fred
* Trial Lawyer Fred"

Moron Fred? Dude, please.

The Thompson Campaign responded like this:

"This latest episode only serves to prove what many voters are already figuring out: Mitt Romney will do anything, say anything, smear any opponent and flip flop on any position in order to win. The American people in general and the Republican Party in particular deserve better than this."

Guys guys guys. We ALL deserve better than this.

Huckabee: The Other Man From Hope

Ok FINE, let's talk about Mike Huckabee. It seems that A Small Town Called Hope, Arkansas has a machine out the back which just SHOOTS out little Presidential candidates. First Bill Clinton and now former lardass Huckabee have made the journey all the way from Hope, through the Governor's mansion, and onto the election tour bus. The reason we're shining the desk-lamp of fame onto Mike today is that his showing in the Ames Straw Poll has APPARENTLY done him some kind of, you know, good. Hurraaay. And now that one bastard's said so, every other bastard will wonder if it's true. It's like the Life of Brian in the GOP at the moment.

Soo. Let's see:

1) He's one of those Frenemies - a former fatty mclardpants who lost 110 pounds and won't stop showing off, making us all feel bad. He even wrote a book about it, called 'Quit Digging Your Own Grave With a Knife and Fork' or something. He keeps running marathons, which some might say is 'health advocacy', but which seems pretty passive aggressive to us.

2) He moved into a trailer on the grounds of the Governor's Mansion while the building was being redone. Haha.

3) He's pro-life, anti civil unions, pro death-penalty, anti-cuddles.

4) His wife, Janet, who clearly lurrves having her photo taken, ran for Secretary of State in Arkansas. She lost, cos they don't like the little ladies getting all in charge of stuff down there. But hey!

5) He doesn't think the USA should militarize it's borders with Mexico, and has vetoed a BUNCHA nasty legislation in Arkansas which would have denied illegal immigrants basic human rights, saying it was 'Un-Christian.'

6) UNfortunately, as an ordained Baptist minister, he's not totally averse to the teaching of creationism in schools. Mmm.

7) He's not stupid! Yay. And Newt Gingrich thinks he might win a coupla primaries. And he's reached this alleged breakthough on ONE FIFTY-TWOth of Hillary Clinton's campaign budget. That's right, we just maybe had to make up a word to describe how embarassing that should be for Ms. Clinton.

OMG, but wait! Look at Huckabee on Hardball:

Woah. Ok. Vote...Huckabee?

(sigh) Bloomberg '08?

Man, now that Fred Thomspn has put on his best dress and finally been coaxed from his bedroom to make an appearance at the Republican party, he's gonna be SO PISSED about this. Turns out Mike Bloomberg, the Mayor of Noo York Citeh, might, you know, make a little cameo himself. How do we know this? Well, he's only gone and got himself a FACEBOOK page, hasn't he. These days, beefing up your socialnetworkbranches is essentially as good as releasing a comprehensive economic policy. Ok, fine, it's better.

Bloomie, who ditched his lifelong Democratic affiliation to run for Mayor as a Republican, sparked rumours that he might run as an independent candidate when he left the GOP in June. He has been studiously denying all Presidential ambitions ever since, but in an 'Ok, you guys, I really shouldn't. Nah, I really think I'd be good at it, and all, but no - oh, you think so? thanks, but really, I'm so busy, though no-one else is really up to the job, but no, I'm not running, seriously you guys' way.

He's on Myspace too.

Endless Thompson Announcement

Fred Thompson has announced. And announced. And announced. It's worth taking a look at this for as long as you can before you, you know, wander off to make yourself a drink. But when you do mix that highball, make it a strong one.

Look at those ol' puppy-dawg eyes. Sh*t.

G.O.P. Maybe Wins G.O.P. Debate!

Last night the Republican party barely snatched victory from defeat in their televised New Hampshire debate, despite the fact that they were only debating each other. Eeesh, it doesn't look good out there. In all the liveblogging The Monocle has perused this morning (so you don't have to! Cos you totally would otherwise!) everyone seems to have been drinking heavily. Here's a list. Everyone likes a list.

1)According to a buncha drunks sitting in the dim lights of their family basements, John McCain acquitted himself very nicely, considering that his campaign recently underwent financial armageddon and a slew of rats running up the gangplank. McCain can't be written off just yet - amongst the furious sniping of Don Giuliani and the Mormon he's starting to look like a real good guy.
2)Giuliani always looks surprisingly clever, though that may indicate quite how far his press team have to travel before January. Also, if they can, they should maybe try and tone down the ugly. Perhaps some different glasses, Jeez, perhaps even something to make him taller. Less...like a depressed rabbit. Just thinking out loud.

3)The second speaker is Mike Huckabee. You can ignore him.
4)RON PAUL 4 PRSIDENT SPEACKIN TRUTH 2 POWER!
5)Oh god. We can't really go on with this...so yeah. It's just...the idea of so many months till January...so...many...debates...This is just for New Hampshire. There are like a HUNDRED more states after this one. Pass the gin.

Fred Thompzzzzzzz...

Right. We'd better...zzzzoh! Sorry! We should talkzzzzzok! Yup! Fred Thompson. Time to talk about him again. Now I'm sure you've all been on the edge of your seats, wond'rin when old Fred is going to announce that he's running for President. Yes sir. Or perhaps you thought he already was, hmm? He's been playing the world's media (valiantly represented by one of the Washington Posts's least-busy interns) like salmon all summer. Golly! Will he? Won't he? OF COURSE HE WILL. And now he's said so. Oh wait, what? Ok no. No, sorry, he's said he'll say so. He HAS announced that he WILL announce that he'll run for the Republican nomination.

While the rest of the Republican field (dead-man-walking McCain, Don Giuliani, a mormon, three dogs and a small duck) are debating their hearts out on Fox news tonight, Fred Thompson, the living reincarnation of St Ronald of Reagan, will be a mere button's press away, announcing on ABC. Why has he waited so long? Why, if there's one thing his long career in television has taught him, it's how to make an entrance. Who here had heard of Fred Thompson before today? No? Well, tomorrow he'll be in every newspaper. Pundits have suggested that he's left it too late. The Monocle believes he's left it ju-u-st late enough.

Hear this: Fred Thompson doesn't look like a real candidate, but he is. No point in fighting the strong Democratic field with clever talk. No, better to fight it with drama; better to fight it with a deep, resonant speaking voice, and a little wink for the ladies. Part of us is happy to see him, part of us is a little scared. Here he is, acting:

Just acting. Honest.

Raise High John Edwards

John Edwards, the Little Mill Worker that Could, was endorsed yesterday by the Steel and Coal Mining Unions. Since Edwards has been pole-dancing frantically for organised labour for the last few months, this isn't going to come as a body-blow for Hill and Barry. Also, Chris Dodd, (you know HIM. You know, that guy with the silver hair. No, silly, the other one) just got the Firefighter's Union to come to his party, and while that's very lovely and all, it doesn't mean he's the NPOTUS. Ah, who are we kidding, we're only so mean about John Edwards cos we lurve him. Yes, dammit, we're in love with John Edwards, and we don't care who knows it. If people don't vote for him, they're f**king retarded. Dese unions have got the right idea.

Aaand they're off!

Last weekend was Labour day across the pond. To The Monocle, Labour day (or Labor Day if you will) is the moment in which New York City stops being a blissful, empty adventure playground and fills up once again with a**holes back from their Hamptons house shares. To the names on the 2008 sign-up sheet hung outside the Cafeteria of Destiny, Labor Day heralds the gunshot that starts the sprint to the primaries.

From here till what will seem like the end of time and is in fact next January, candidates will be careering along at warp speed, and political commentators will be frantically interpreting their every move. A new haircut, a new stump speech, a new voice-pitch, a particular tie...all will create first furious gossip, then serious analysis in the New York Times. Though surely no candidate would be s'darn foolhardy as to get a new haircut this late in the game. Which means it's probably all over for John Edwards:

Adieu, MC Rove.

And so. A Nation Mourns. A Life in Pictures. Stop all the clocks. Shut all the shops. Karl Rove is no more. August 31st was his last day at work. In the Roosevelt Room, at 7:30 a.m., the man we have come to know as MC Rove was presented with a slide show of his days in the White House. He was too choked up to speak. So are we. Or at least, we're overcome with...some feeling. A really big feeling.

This must be what great sadness feels like. A momentous, shivery, thunderous sort of thing, as though the earth has shifted suddenly; a mourning for the world, and what it has become. Grief for the political process, the loss of innocence. As Sartre says, all stories are told from death backwards. Only at the end can we see how far we have fallen:


Oh, and btw you guys, according to the Economist, Clinton's advisor Mark Penn is the New Karl Rove. Cha-cha-cha.

http://www.economist.com/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9687236

Romney Walks Iowa

Oh yeah, ages ago Mitt Romney won the Iowa Straw Poll, shocking literally nobody. Huckabee came second. None of this means anything, and nobody cares about it at all. Except for Mike Huckabee. Mike Huckabee's pretty stoked right now.

Oh, Larry!

You have to feel for Larry Craig, the Republican Senator for Idaho. There you are, in June, minding your own business, using a regular old bathroom stall/public park/badger reserve to solicit same-sex sexual encounters with strangers, and whaddya know! That blue-eyed charmer you're do-si-do-ing with whips out his police credentials! And, unfortunately, that is not a euphemism. This June, Senator Craig was arrested in Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport for allegedly engaging in alleged conduct not entirely fit for a U.S. Senator.

According to an admirably detailed arrest report, Craig peered at the plainclothes cop through the crack in the bathroom stalls, moved his foot to a particular position...uh, let me see...swiped his hand UNDER the partition in a particular way three times...knocked on the sink to the tune of 'Jolene'...double axel...alleged chachacha...When taken into custody, the good representative of Idaho allegedly informed the cop that he was a U.S. Senator, asking "What do you think about that?" CherchING, I should think. Craig has since insisted that the position of his feet was merely due to his particularly 'Wide Stance.' Insert your joke there.

So what does Ol' Wide Stance have to do with our date with 2008? WELL. It seems that ju-u-ust prior to the whole mixup, Craig was out stumping for Mitt Romney on the subject of Family Values. Hard. On video. Now, here at the Monocle we believe in double standards for everyone, but we can't just lie back and take the outing of a gay Senator if he has previously voted to amend the constitution to ban gay marriage, as Craig has done. That's a bit hard to swallow. Craig resigned yesterday. Mind you, chasing intern skirt around the desk in the Oval Office: fine if you're rich, mildly impeachable of you're from Arkansas, but all in all, okey dokey. Gay? Get out of my office. That's right, OUT.

As you can imagine, there's an awful lot on the internets about this, but we'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to the people of RED STATE UPDATE, one of our very favourite li'l pundit outfits. Here's what they have to say about it all:

Think that 'bout sums it up.

The Political Brain

It is a truth universally acknowledged that so far 2008:The Endless Campaign has been a bumper-pack of R&B videos, thinly disguised racial slurs and sopranos-related japery. There is no earthly reason why the world SHOULDN'T already have settled on the couch, chips n dips at the ready, to watch it unfold. But the Monocle is going on holiday, and before we go, like Jerry Springer, we'd like to take the tone deep down to Meaningful. Take a look at this article: http://politics.guardian.co.uk/bookshelf/story/0,,2143929,00.html

When George W. Bush was elected, Europe's furrowed its brow. When he was RE-elected, our collective mind boggled. The answer, rather simply, is this: he got the story right. For us here at the Monocle, political campaigns are fun for a very specific reason: they're about storytelling. Who are candidates? What story have they chosen to tell about themselves? Which stories do the American people want to hear? How do candidates control their own stories, and how do their opponents spin webs of interpretation around them? Bill Clinton was a genius at it. The Monocle sat next to an elderly American couple the other day, and after the customary apologies for the State of their Nation, they got to talking about the Democratic candidates. What about John Edwards? the Monocle asked. "Ach, he feels like a loser," the couple said.

Drew Westen's new book, "The Political Brain: The Role of Emotion in Deciding the Fate of the Nation" is a comprehensive study of how Americans vote with their feelings. Well, sure and the Brits do as well, but America needs a hero. A home-grown hero. America needs a leader who knows how to tell the country that they were born to do the job. This year, Barack Obama is right on the money. This is how his wife tells his story:

Now there are some awesome Spouses in this race, not least the Little Man From Hope, Arkansas himself, but hey, how freaking great is Michelle Obama? We'd totes vote for her.

Westen's basic premise is this: People barely use their brains at all when they're voting. It's an interesting book. We're taking it with us to READ BY THE POOL. There's only one tiny flaw in his argument: Hillary Clinton is still the front runner for the nomination. What's HER story? The only thing she's really spinning is that she knows how to do the job. Well, that's kind of a story. The only person who knows how to play the game; the only guy who can wield the power properly. Yeah.

Blogtastic! Heroes and Villains

And so to the YearlyKos Convention, a great gathering of political nerds, elves and unemployed college grads, aaand the perfect setting for the latest installment of this month's Key Theme: Hillary vs. All You Motherf*ckers. While the YouTube debates are moderated by a talking puppet and require the candidates to submit their answers in song form only, the YearlyKostravaganza consists of 400 New-Balance-wearing political geeks pushing their spectacles up and asking questions about Section 14 of, er, Paragraph 40 (b) of the Amendment to the Bill for the Overturning of Steel Sanctions...Once again, Ms. Clinton caused a ruckus, throwing down with John Edwards about taking money from lobbyists. Hillary is now so used to the dogfight that she can't conceal her delight:

Yeah! So sue me! I'll take money! From the corporations! From any f*cker! I'm Cruella Motherf*cking Deville, assh*les! Bring it on! Watcha got, huh? Huh? Look upon these rolled-up shirt-sleeves, nerds, and cower. Hillary's here, and she's ready to do business. With anyone. You want a pantomime? Well I'm Your Fairy F*cking Godmother, and I'm here to get things done. Prettygirl Edwards, Pansyboy Obama, what kind of a world do you morons live in? Welcome to HillaryTown, U.S.A. This is real life. And real life hurts. MUAHAHAHA!

Goodness, those bloggists do like Obama, don't they? Poor man can hardly get a word out now without hundreds of screaming 20-somethings rising to their feet like they've just seen the Second Coming. Which, according to Mitt Romney, will take place in Missouri.

Mitt Romney: Champagne Mormon?

This weekend, you couldn't swing a cat without hitting a Presidential Candidate debate. They were practically standing in your supermarket aisles while you chose your cereal, "clarifying your question for you." At the YearlyKos convention the Dems were trotted up and down in front of an elite squadron of liberal bloggers, while the Repubs enjoyed the benefits of TV scheduling, going out live to the country early on a Sunday morning. Of course, the most revealing debate of the last few days comes courtesy of a hidden camera, Mitt Romney and an Iowan radio show host. The clip is 20 full minutes long. Who has 20 minutes for this sh*t? You do.
Is Mitt a real Mormon, or does his pro-choice record make him, like, a PUSSY kind of Mormon? Will he put off the religious right with his mimsy-pimsy, gay-marryin', alcohol-toleratin' carryings on? Oh yes, America's problem with you is that you might be a teensy bit liberal, and not that you believe, as you clearly state, that Christ's Second Coming will take place in both Jerusalem and Missouri. In fact, only once in a blue moon do we get to see a candidate speak so fluently and ungaurdedly about anything. Governor Romney makes a convoluted but passionate defense of the relationship between his politics and his faith. He's still a Mormon, but this will do him good. It wasn't done...on purpose, was it?

The Ames Straw Poll

Welcome to Ames, Iowa, everybody! Have a cookie! The Ames Straw Poll is the small town of Ames's way of helping the Republicans figure out how everybody's doing out there. Sometimes these campaigns get so crazy, it's nice just to check in, you know? Have a little dinner, raise a little money for the GOP. Debate some, drink some, poll some. It's super-fun. Republican candidates even buy people tickets to go, just in case they couldn't afford it. So this year's Straw Poll is screeching ever closer; by August 11th, our long, cold wait'll be over....

Giuliani? Brownback? Huckabee? McCain? Romney? Thompson? Erm. Ok. Ok, this is kind of embarrassing, but some of the candidates just called to cancel. Apparently Giuliani's got some dinner he can't get out of. And McCain can't scrape together the busfare. And Fred Thompson says he wouldn't want us to go to any extra trouble just for him. Whatever! It's still going to be a GREAT party. Who needs THOSE GUYS. We'll make our own fun. This poll still totally counts, people. Maybe Sam Brownback'll bust out some party trick and everyone'll be really, REALLY sorry they missed it. And hey, Giuliani, stop hanging around in Iowa if you're not going to eat our home-made cookies. We know what you're up to, buster: you think you might just win this poll without even trying. Well, spending every day in Iowa until August 11th, then leaving on the morning of the poll is still trying, young man. You think you're sooo cool, don't you? Rudy 'Look, no hands!' Giuliani. Well, no-one in Iowa likes a show-off. Why, it was the Ames Straw Poll that kick-started George W. Bush's campaign in 1999. Don't mess with us.

Hillary Hates Boys, The Establishment

You remember in high-school when you didn't have all that many friends, and, like, the system was oppressive, man, but you were sure you were destined for intellectual world domination yourself? You remember your diary entries? You know how you read them now and vow that no-one, but no-one, will ever be allowed to see them? Imagine if your little brother put them on the internet. Imagine if this happened to Hillary Clinton. Well, it has! Enough of this policy! Let's get serious. Some nasty bastard she used to write to in high-school has published her teenage letters. Hahahaha.

“God, I feel so divorced from Park Ridge, parents, home, the entire unreality of middle class America,” she says. “This all sounds so predictable, but it’s true.” Oh us too, Hill-Dog. Us too. In fact, the more she speaks, the nearer she comes: “I’d play out in the patch of sunlight that broke the density of the elms in front of our house and pretend there were heavenly movie cameras watching my every move.” Now some people will mock, but those people will not be us. No sir.

And bejayzus, not so much with the God, huh? She asks herself to “define ‘happiness’ Hillary Rodham, acknowledged agnostic intellectual liberal, emotional conservative.”

Actually, that sounds ok.

And how about “Man is born to live, not prepare for life.” Yep, we like it.

“Can you be a misanthrope and still love or enjoy some individuals? How about a compassionate misanthrope?” Erm, we think so. And “Sunday was lethargic from the beginning as I wallowed in a morass of general and specific dislike and pity for most people but me especially." Dude, TOTALLY. In our world, every day is that day. If we could deal man, we'd vote for you.

Bring It On

Let's see, McCain still has no money, but his campaign has taken on the thrilling tint of an heroic insurgency, which should be good for a few more months. 'Matinee' Mitt Romney told everyone to 'lighten up' about 9/11, and Rudy had a pretty serene month. Democrat Joe Biden (who was once famously busted for nicking an autobiographical speech off Neil Kinnock, of all people) has been answering inquiries as to whether he's kinda just running for Secretary of State really. He said "HELL no!" He means yes. But the REAL news of the campaigns this weekend is actually about the news itself: this Clinton/Obama hooha has legs. Like a cockroach, it has survived the news cycle for 7 days. Oh it's ON now.

Let's see if we can get the order right: At the youtube """'debate""", Obama said that he would absolutely meet with foreign dictators, without condition. Clinton said that the President wasn't supposed to do dumb things like that. After the debate, Hillary made the mistake of doing a little victory shuffle, saying that Obama's answer had been 'irresponsible and naive.' This was a dig too many for Obama, who went straight for the jugular, for the first time addressing Clinton's vote for the Iraq war. This is significant for a couple of reasons. Until now, Obama has left Clinton to flounder about in her own mess with that now-infamous pro-war vote. Why dig where she's obviously weakest? It only makes you look like a bully. Now Clinton's done some playground-pushing, however, there's no way Obama's going to lie down and take it, but, since that was Obama's Foreign Policy trump card, his people must have seen this as a crucial moment for their candidate. What worried them so much?

Then Obama said that Hillary was 'Bush Lite', to which Clinton snorted 'Whatever happened to the Politics of Hope?' She had a point; while the Republicans are expected to hop about calling each other perverts, we like a wussier approach in our Democrats, if you please. Blah blah blah, Obama said something, blah blah Clinton released an interview with Obama which provedish that Obama had contradicted himself, blah Obama said that ACTUALLY it totally didn't contradict anything, anyway. Ad Nauseam.

Now that Obama and Clinton have taken it out of the canteen and onto the playing fields, and the media have circled like junior classmen chanting 'fight, fight, fight fight fightfightfight', we need the old Coach to come out of his office, charge right in there and separate the panting candidates, reminding them that only they can take the team to the playoffs tonight. Unfortunately, there is no coach. There's Chris Dodd, but he's more of a retired neighbour. Once campaigning goes negative, it's darn hard to go back.

In the wake of her recent spat with the Pentagon, Clinton is beginning to look like a woman who can't quite get this whole 'foreign policy' thing down. One more slanging match and it'll look like she's running around picking fights with boys about war. Meanwhile John Edwards has quietly sucked up all the support Hillary and Obama have discarded in the last week. One newspaper suggests that this boosts him to the very top of the 'second tier' candidates, but the Monocle has always seen Edwards as the third top-tier Democrat in this race. His healthcare and poverty templates are the best of the bunch, and he's already an experienced campaigner. How he uses August will be crucial. Since Kennedy used the first televised debates to squish apparent favourite Richard Nixon, television has heralded great changes in electoral races. It's Happening. Again.

Yeah, what she said: You(tube) Decide.

There were questions in the form of a song, in the form of a talking snowman; there were questions from a man who called his gun his 'baby.' There was a probably-insightful question about No Child Left Behind that had such an embarassing heavy-metal soundtrack that the Monocle couldn't bear to watch another second. It wudn't really a debate. Monday's Youtube thing happened; everyone decided who won; everyone disagreed with each other; Hillary Clinton won. The end. You can hear the reverb on their microphones: they're speaking to people. Millions and millions of people. It's killing them. They can barely move.

1) If you have decided not to vote for Hillary because she's a woman, or for Obama because he's black, John Edwards doesn't want you to vote for him either. You hear that? He doesn't want your vote. Which means that he wants no votes at all. None.

2)In a beautiful world, Dennis Kucinich would be President. He's never gonna get elected, so f**k it! He do what he want! A) He's the only explicitly pro-gay marriage candidate, B) he's flat-out in favour of reparations for slavery, C) that's a natty little bow-tie, D) he's married to a woman LITERALLY TWICE HIS HEIGHT, and D) he's not so stupid, either. Much has been made of the size of the Democratic field, but if Kucinich can hang on until the primaries he'll push the campaigns in the right direction. He's a teeny, tiny blessing:

3)John Edwards had a thing or two to say about Hillary's jacket. In case you hadn't heard 5,000 times already, John's daddy wudn't nothin' but a l'il ol' millworker in No'f Car'lahna. Johnny sure has grown into quite the metrosexual, however.

4)Hillary Clinton smacked Obama DOWN. Like, everyone's talking about it. Did you see did you see? She smacked him DOWN etc. 'At this high-level.' Way to make Obama look like he's snapping at your heels. Clinton then kicked the prone Obama in the stomach, saying after the debate that his answer had been 'irresponsible and naive'. Yesterday Obama responded by calling Clinton out on her early vote for the Iraq war, saying "You know, I think Senator Clinton hasn't really answered that issue." This "I know you are, but what am I?" approach to a small youtube bitch-slap seems like a bad idea, but in fact Obama has counter-punched spectacularly well. He later said, on no less than TELEVISION: “It goes to the heart of whether or not we’re going to have a fundamental change in how the Bush administration has conducted foreign policy, or we’re going to have a version of Bush light.” And you know what, he's right. Clinton might well have taken a huge swing at a sitting target and clonked herself on the back of the head.

5)Those Americans sure do talk about RIGHTS a whole lot. Rights this, rights that. They don't say a damn thing about 'rights' in England. But then again, America is forever skirting the edge of people's civil rights. Guess it's more of an issue over there. And this is a Democratic Party debate. Mind, Clinton didn't shy away from 'family', 'American', 'family values' 'values' 'American values' 'fundamentally American'...golly. Obama used a fair bit of 'cynicism', 'unification', and 'movement'. John Edwards: 'personal journey', 'embrace and lift up' and 'mah wife'. Joe Biden: 'Catholic' 'Catholic', 'Catholic.' Mike Gravel: 'Listen!' 'Listen to me!' 'Follow the money!' 'Follow the money!' 'I'm telling you' 'Listen to this,' and 'In the pockets of.' A fine bunch. Vote Kucinich. Or Edwards. You decide.

And in conclusion:
Bravo!

Ron Paul: Nutters & Dreams

If You watch a lot of Youtube, you'll have already noticed that most political posts are followed by a comment that goes something like this: RON PAUL FOR PRESDIENT HE IS THE GREATEST THING EVERYBODY SHOULD GET OUT AND VOTE FOR RON PAUL THE ONLY HONEST MAN IN POLTICS. But and why does everybody on the internet think he's so cool?

Let's see if we can untangle this little ball of yarn. Ron Paul is an obstetrician from Texas. He has served many terms in congress, sometimes as a Republican, and sometimes not so much. In 1988 he ran for President with the nomination of the Libertarian Party (Who he?). He is listed in the phone book; his constituents often call him up for a chat. His wife's cookbooks include recipes for Cherry Coke Salad and Velveeta Cheese Fudge. Although he lives in Texas, he votes against farm subsidies, against FEMA and flood aid, and against pro-NASA legislation. He has refused to condemn Robert Mugabe, he opposed the recent immigration bill and wants to end birthright citizenship. His anti-abortion stance comes with a quote that The Monocle would prefer not to repeat. He voted against casting a medal to honour Rosa Parks, a vote he lost 424-1. Thanks be to God. ANYdoodlydoo, speaking of the Lord, he has a Lutheran/Episcopal/Baptist background, and he won't travel alone with women. He has strong ties to the John Birch society.

On the other hand, he has always opposed the Iraq war. In 2001 he was one of three Republicans who voted against the Patriot Act. His solution to the situation in which America now finds itself is simple: "Just leave." In a recent debate, he said to Rudy Giuliani: "Have you ever read about the reasons they attacked us?" He uses words like 'hegemony' and 'empire'. He says wonderful things like "Politicians don't amount to much. Ideas do."

So WTF? Ron Paul is an odd biscuit, fo' sho'. If we are allowed, possibly, to make up a word,we might say that he is, essentially, an old-fashioned constitutionalist. He doesn't think government should poke around in any fool's business. Not even Mugabe's business. He believes in markets - that in a free market the truth will out. He credits the fall of the Soviet Union to economics: "It wasn't us forcing Soviets to build missiles that brought them down. It was the fact that socialism didn't work."

All this, and the fact that he has allegedly said a couple of not-entirely-cool things about both Israel and the black male population of Washington DC, has made Paul a figure of hope for all the wackjobs, 'libertarians', conspiracy theorists and jew-haters on the interwebs. In the words of New York Times reporter Christopher Caldwell, he is "Like a black hole that attracts the whole universe of individuals and group who don't recognise themselves in the politics they see on TV." So the next time you wonder exactly WHAT KIND of nutter is a Ron Paul nutter, remember: he's by far and away the most googled candidate on Youtube.
(With thanks to C. Caldwell, an awesome guy.)

Youtube Debating: Mainly about, uh...

Ohmahgagh! The world's first...wait, the world's second...well, whatever. The Democratic Youtube debate starts tonight at midnight. Be there or have better things to do. The beauty of the youtube debate is, in essence, the beauty of the 2008 campaigns. If it all goes without a hitch, no-one will pay the slightest bit of attention to anything anybody says. If, however, a candidate makes a mistake - and that can be a tiny, tiny fuck-up, a little hair tossing (yes, you, Edwards), a little hand-waving (Richardson, you know who we're talking about), or a mind-blowing brain-freeze - it is presented to the world on a silver platter. But wait! Youtube watchers finally get to ask the questions! How could THAT be a bad idea? Anderson Cooper tells us that there are 'many amazing questions'. You mean like this one, right Anderson?

Erm, who shot this video? A poltergeist? Is this man a poltergeist himself? And then, at last, a young man speaks for the people:

What will continue to bemuse y'all, of course, is how in the Sam Hell Barack Obama KEEPS looking clueless in recorded debates without anybody pointing it out. Because he's a man of Destiny, ok? A man of Destiny.

Daily Briefing: McCain Campaign Finally Does the Maths

A leaked Memo from the newly, uh, streamlined McCain campaign has stunned the internets. Making a comparison between McCain's recent financial booboos and the 1979 meldown of Ronald Reagan's White House-headed juggernaut, this memo advises the Senator to "Live off the Land." And while the poor guy crouches behind a New Hampshire oak tree gnawing on discarded hotdogs his advisors have hit upon a revolutionary fundraising strategy. "Spend less", they suggest. "Raise more." Oh. Ok then.

Back on the front lines, and Mitt Romney called Barack Obama a pervert, while the Pentagon suggested that Hillary Clinton has been spreading enemy propaganda. Like we haven't heard that one before. Apparently Ms. Clinton, as a member of the Armed Services Committee, asked for a detailed proposal for the withdrawl of troops from Iraq. That bitch.

Aaand, just to prove how cuddly she is, Hill and Bill - Billary, if you will - have spoofed the Sopranos ending. Not afraid to be themselves, those darn Clintons.

Well, she's a better actor than he is.

Here's Lookin' at You, America

Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you Former Senator Fred Thomson of Tennessee. And his wife. Damn, Fred. Naughty boy. Although...Jeri looks kinda shy. We hope she's ok. She actually seems a little bit...sad. Is she looking at us? Is she trying to...Is she trying to speak to us with her eyes? No, gentlemen, her EYES.

Oh, but it gets better. Much better. The New Dark Horse of the Republican field has a secret identity: Straight-talkin' District Attorney Arthur Branch of TV's Law & Order. The Monocle is not suggesting that Fred Thompson looks like Arthur Branch. The Monocle is telling you that Fred Thompson ACTUALLY PLAYED Arthur Branch on televison. Until quite recently. Being the only Presidential Candidate with his own entry on IMDB hasn't stopped Fred from a flourishing career as occasional Senator for the Volunteer State, Washington lobbyist for hire and, our fave, legal counsel for disgraced Rove-scapegoat Scooter Libby. What a dish.

Anyhoo, here's what Fred Thompson wants to talk about:
-The ongoing threat of Islamist terrorism
-The unresolved economic threat of entitlements
-The need for lower taxes to ensure our nation remains economically competitive and innovative
-The need to secure our borders
-The need to support families and to protect our children from the harder edges of culture
-The need to remain engaged in the world while remaining true to America’s principles

Brrrrr. Goody. Sounds GREAT.

While the Reagan Comparison is unavoidable, particularly since Fred appears to have quantum-leapt all the way from 1976 anyway, it must be noted that, unlike Ronnie, Fred actually GAVE UP his seat in the United State Senate to star in a TV show. How the world has changed. The Monocle welcomes Fred to the race. We needed a little glitz, a little glamour, a little razzmatazz. We needed a man unafraid to do things like this:

Oooh! Snaps! You get it, right? Yeah? He's saying Michael Moore should be in a mental institution! In his FACE.

Maybe we should all get a little help. And, frankly, The Monocle wouldn't mind one of those BIG FAT CUBAN CIGARS the former Senator is smoking either.

Rhymes With McCain

Pain. Drain. Strain. John McCain has had a really, really bad week.

Polling Station: As They Stand

The slogan of the State Tourist Board reads 'Welcome to New Hampshire, You're Going To Love It Here." Apparently,the fall foliage is to die for. It's over 97 % white, and 80% Christian. It calls itself the Granite State, and it casts the very first votes in the presidential election cycle. Nobody really knows why. The people of New Hampshire take their responsibities very seriously indeed. Out stumping for his wife, Bill Clinton looked a little haunted, and said "They really put you through it...they kind of - kick the tires and see whether you can run or not." And boy, they really do:
For the next several months, everyone will poll the living crap out of these people. 52% of people like cupcakes, 30% do not own a dog, 97% think yellow is a nicer colour than pink. The media will slavishly report national statistics squeezed from polls of less than 100 people. Oh, but they know what they're doing, the Granitas. They're like those canny old people who know how to jump a queue properly, are always the first in the buffet line, ask awkward questions, insist on being fed dinner at 4 p.m. and generally affect the whole tone of the weekend by being grouchy and self-involved. And so, polling what may as well be a tiny cross-section of the 8th-grade class of the Gladys Mackintickle School for the Performing Arts, CNN reports that:

In the Blue Corner, Clinton leads Obama 33% to 27%, and in the bottom half of the draw Governor Bill Richardson has overtaken John Edwards 11% to 9%. This means that Edwards has fallen from 16% in June, and Richardson polled at 11% in both months. We Love Bill Richardson! Check him out in the recent debate:

Pity he STILL looks like a guy also speaking in sign language, but we're sure it'll even out. More on Richards later. (In Other news, Mad Joe Biden is polling at 4%, Little Denis Kucinich at 3, and Crazy Old Mike Gravel, who really should have dropped out by now, at 1)

Mitt Romney, the MORMON! HE'S A MORMON! is leading the Republicans 34% to Rudy's paltry 20, and poor old McCain has dropped to 12% from 20. Behind somebody called Fred Thomson of Tennessee.

But here are The Monocle's favourite stats: 16% would never ever vote for Clinton, 15 would rather die than vote for Obama, but a whopping 24% never want to see John Edward's face again. We will do our own polling anaysis here at the Monocle. Stats will be hereafter read like this: while the people of New Hampshire aren't that keen on women, while they're not too sure about black guys, they really, really hate pretty boys. Time to shoot a duck, Senator Edwards, time to shoot a duck.

Meet the Family: Rudy

While the Democratic party romps all over the media, well-slept and neatly dressed, the Republican party has emerged into the 2008 campaign looking absolutely knackered. (Having said that, it has long been clear that the Democrats couldn't pump a bullet into the GOP if they were given a free shot from three inches away.) Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House, has suggested that the only hope for the GOP in 2008 would be a revolution within the party. The public's negative view of current party leaders means that prospective presidential candidates have to bill themselves as Republican mavericks: viable opponents to both the Democratic party AND the Bush administration. With that in mind, The Monocle invites you to meet just one of the good men up for the job of All-New Republican President.

Heeeere's Rudy! Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph 'zero tolerance' Giuliani, famous for bigging up the rotten apple, is striding ahead. Rudy's finest moment, pottering about in the ashes of the World Trade Centre with a megaphone, whuumphed him right into the status of Legend. Rudy's a bit of a conundrum: for a presidential candidate, he's not so hot on family values. Currently married to his third wife, he is estranged from his grown-up son, and has yet to come down properly on either side of the abortion fence. While the idea of a pro-choice Republican candidate got the religious right's knickers in quite a twist, Giuliani has, disappointingly, backpedalled furiously on the issue. in 1989 he said "There must be public funding for abortions for poor women. We cannot deny any woman the right to make her own decision about abortion because she lacks resources." Unfortch, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE Rudolph Giuliani feels a little differently: "States should make their decision. Some states decide to do it, most states decide not to do it. And I think that's the appropriate way to have this decided." Oh well. With the McCain campaign being whaled up and down by a series of resignations and accusations of wild financial fumbling, Rudy has emerged, thus far, as the only real contender, apart from Mitt Romney, and MITT ROMNEY IS A MORMON, PEOPLE, A MORMON. (That is not a typo.) Can he shake off the slightly seedy aura of a thrice-married New Yorker in time to win over the Republican base?