You remember in high-school when you didn't have all that many friends, and, like, the system was oppressive, man, but you were sure you were destined for intellectual world domination yourself? You remember your diary entries? You know how you read them now and vow that no-one, but no-one, will ever be allowed to see them? Imagine if your little brother put them on the internet. Imagine if this happened to Hillary Clinton. Well, it has! Enough of this policy! Let's get serious. Some nasty bastard she used to write to in high-school has published her teenage letters. Hahahaha.
“God, I feel so divorced from Park Ridge, parents, home, the entire unreality of middle class America,” she says. “This all sounds so predictable, but it’s true.” Oh us too, Hill-Dog. Us too. In fact, the more she speaks, the nearer she comes: “I’d play out in the patch of sunlight that broke the density of the elms in front of our house and pretend there were heavenly movie cameras watching my every move.” Now some people will mock, but those people will not be us. No sir.
And bejayzus, not so much with the God, huh? She asks herself to “define ‘happiness’ Hillary Rodham, acknowledged agnostic intellectual liberal, emotional conservative.”
Actually, that sounds ok.
And how about “Man is born to live, not prepare for life.” Yep, we like it.
“Can you be a misanthrope and still love or enjoy some individuals? How about a compassionate misanthrope?” Erm, we think so. And “Sunday was lethargic from the beginning as I wallowed in a morass of general and specific dislike and pity for most people but me especially." Dude, TOTALLY. In our world, every day is that day. If we could deal man, we'd vote for you.
Let's see, McCain still has no money, but his campaign has taken on the thrilling tint of an heroic insurgency, which should be good for a few more months. 'Matinee' Mitt Romney told everyone to 'lighten up' about 9/11, and Rudy had a pretty serene month. Democrat Joe Biden (who was once famously busted for nicking an autobiographical speech off Neil Kinnock, of all people) has been answering inquiries as to whether he's kinda just running for Secretary of State really. He said "HELL no!" He means yes. But the REAL news of the campaigns this weekend is actually about the news itself: this Clinton/Obama hooha has legs. Like a cockroach, it has survived the news cycle for 7 days. Oh it's ON now.
Let's see if we can get the order right: At the youtube """'debate""", Obama said that he would absolutely meet with foreign dictators, without condition. Clinton said that the President wasn't supposed to do dumb things like that. After the debate, Hillary made the mistake of doing a little victory shuffle, saying that Obama's answer had been 'irresponsible and naive.' This was a dig too many for Obama, who went straight for the jugular, for the first time addressing Clinton's vote for the Iraq war. This is significant for a couple of reasons. Until now, Obama has left Clinton to flounder about in her own mess with that now-infamous pro-war vote. Why dig where she's obviously weakest? It only makes you look like a bully. Now Clinton's done some playground-pushing, however, there's no way Obama's going to lie down and take it, but, since that was Obama's Foreign Policy trump card, his people must have seen this as a crucial moment for their candidate. What worried them so much?
Then Obama said that Hillary was 'Bush Lite', to which Clinton snorted 'Whatever happened to the Politics of Hope?' She had a point; while the Republicans are expected to hop about calling each other perverts, we like a wussier approach in our Democrats, if you please. Blah blah blah, Obama said something, blah blah Clinton released an interview with Obama which provedish that Obama had contradicted himself, blah Obama said that ACTUALLY it totally didn't contradict anything, anyway. Ad Nauseam.
Now that Obama and Clinton have taken it out of the canteen and onto the playing fields, and the media have circled like junior classmen chanting 'fight, fight, fight fight fightfightfight', we need the old Coach to come out of his office, charge right in there and separate the panting candidates, reminding them that only they can take the team to the playoffs tonight. Unfortunately, there is no coach. There's Chris Dodd, but he's more of a retired neighbour. Once campaigning goes negative, it's darn hard to go back.
In the wake of her recent spat with the Pentagon, Clinton is beginning to look like a woman who can't quite get this whole 'foreign policy' thing down. One more slanging match and it'll look like she's running around picking fights with boys about war. Meanwhile John Edwards has quietly sucked up all the support Hillary and Obama have discarded in the last week. One newspaper suggests that this boosts him to the very top of the 'second tier' candidates, but the Monocle has always seen Edwards as the third top-tier Democrat in this race. His healthcare and poverty templates are the best of the bunch, and he's already an experienced campaigner. How he uses August will be crucial. Since Kennedy used the first televised debates to squish apparent favourite Richard Nixon, television has heralded great changes in electoral races. It's Happening. Again.
There were questions in the form of a song, in the form of a talking snowman; there were questions from a man who called his gun his 'baby.' There was a probably-insightful question about No Child Left Behind that had such an embarassing heavy-metal soundtrack that the Monocle couldn't bear to watch another second. It wudn't really a debate. Monday's Youtube thing happened; everyone decided who won; everyone disagreed with each other; Hillary Clinton won. The end. You can hear the reverb on their microphones: they're speaking to people. Millions and millions of people. It's killing them. They can barely move.
1) If you have decided not to vote for Hillary because she's a woman, or for Obama because he's black, John Edwards doesn't want you to vote for him either. You hear that? He doesn't want your vote. Which means that he wants no votes at all. None.
2)In a beautiful world, Dennis Kucinich would be President. He's never gonna get elected, so f**k it! He do what he want! A) He's the only explicitly pro-gay marriage candidate, B) he's flat-out in favour of reparations for slavery, C) that's a natty little bow-tie, D) he's married to a woman LITERALLY TWICE HIS HEIGHT, and D) he's not so stupid, either. Much has been made of the size of the Democratic field, but if Kucinich can hang on until the primaries he'll push the campaigns in the right direction. He's a teeny, tiny blessing:
3)John Edwards had a thing or two to say about Hillary's jacket. In case you hadn't heard 5,000 times already, John's daddy wudn't nothin' but a l'il ol' millworker in No'f Car'lahna. Johnny sure has grown into quite the metrosexual, however.
4)Hillary Clinton smacked Obama DOWN. Like, everyone's talking about it. Did you see did you see? She smacked him DOWN etc. 'At this high-level.' Way to make Obama look like he's snapping at your heels. Clinton then kicked the prone Obama in the stomach, saying after the debate that his answer had been 'irresponsible and naive'. Yesterday Obama responded by calling Clinton out on her early vote for the Iraq war, saying "You know, I think Senator Clinton hasn't really answered that issue." This "I know you are, but what am I?" approach to a small youtube bitch-slap seems like a bad idea, but in fact Obama has counter-punched spectacularly well. He later said, on no less than TELEVISION: “It goes to the heart of whether or not we’re going to have a fundamental change in how the Bush administration has conducted foreign policy, or we’re going to have a version of Bush light.” And you know what, he's right. Clinton might well have taken a huge swing at a sitting target and clonked herself on the back of the head.
5)Those Americans sure do talk about RIGHTS a whole lot. Rights this, rights that. They don't say a damn thing about 'rights' in England. But then again, America is forever skirting the edge of people's civil rights. Guess it's more of an issue over there. And this is a Democratic Party debate. Mind, Clinton didn't shy away from 'family', 'American', 'family values' 'values' 'American values' 'fundamentally American'...golly. Obama used a fair bit of 'cynicism', 'unification', and 'movement'. John Edwards: 'personal journey', 'embrace and lift up' and 'mah wife'. Joe Biden: 'Catholic' 'Catholic', 'Catholic.' Mike Gravel: 'Listen!' 'Listen to me!' 'Follow the money!' 'Follow the money!' 'I'm telling you' 'Listen to this,' and 'In the pockets of.' A fine bunch. Vote Kucinich. Or Edwards. You decide.
If You watch a lot of Youtube, you'll have already noticed that most political posts are followed by a comment that goes something like this: RON PAUL FOR PRESDIENT HE IS THE GREATEST THING EVERYBODY SHOULD GET OUT AND VOTE FOR RON PAUL THE ONLY HONEST MAN IN POLTICS. But and why does everybody on the internet think he's so cool?
Let's see if we can untangle this little ball of yarn. Ron Paul is an obstetrician from Texas. He has served many terms in congress, sometimes as a Republican, and sometimes not so much. In 1988 he ran for President with the nomination of the Libertarian Party (Who he?). He is listed in the phone book; his constituents often call him up for a chat. His wife's cookbooks include recipes for Cherry Coke Salad and Velveeta Cheese Fudge. Although he lives in Texas, he votes against farm subsidies, against FEMA and flood aid, and against pro-NASA legislation. He has refused to condemn Robert Mugabe, he opposed the recent immigration bill and wants to end birthright citizenship. His anti-abortion stance comes with a quote that The Monocle would prefer not to repeat. He voted against casting a medal to honour Rosa Parks, a vote he lost 424-1. Thanks be to God. ANYdoodlydoo, speaking of the Lord, he has a Lutheran/Episcopal/Baptist background, and he won't travel alone with women. He has strong ties to the John Birch society.
On the other hand, he has always opposed the Iraq war. In 2001 he was one of three Republicans who voted against the Patriot Act. His solution to the situation in which America now finds itself is simple: "Just leave." In a recent debate, he said to Rudy Giuliani: "Have you ever read about the reasons they attacked us?" He uses words like 'hegemony' and 'empire'. He says wonderful things like "Politicians don't amount to much. Ideas do."
So WTF? Ron Paul is an odd biscuit, fo' sho'. If we are allowed, possibly, to make up a word,we might say that he is, essentially, an old-fashioned constitutionalist. He doesn't think government should poke around in any fool's business. Not even Mugabe's business. He believes in markets - that in a free market the truth will out. He credits the fall of the Soviet Union to economics: "It wasn't us forcing Soviets to build missiles that brought them down. It was the fact that socialism didn't work."
All this, and the fact that he has allegedly said a couple of not-entirely-cool things about both Israel and the black male population of Washington DC, has made Paul a figure of hope for all the wackjobs, 'libertarians', conspiracy theorists and jew-haters on the interwebs. In the words of New York Times reporter Christopher Caldwell, he is "Like a black hole that attracts the whole universe of individuals and group who don't recognise themselves in the politics they see on TV." So the next time you wonder exactly WHAT KIND of nutter is a Ron Paul nutter, remember: he's by far and away the most googled candidate on Youtube. (With thanks to C. Caldwell, an awesome guy.)
Ohmahgagh! The world's first...wait, the world's second...well, whatever. The Democratic Youtube debate starts tonight at midnight. Be there or have better things to do. The beauty of the youtube debate is, in essence, the beauty of the 2008 campaigns. If it all goes without a hitch, no-one will pay the slightest bit of attention to anything anybody says. If, however, a candidate makes a mistake - and that can be a tiny, tiny fuck-up, a little hair tossing (yes, you, Edwards), a little hand-waving (Richardson, you know who we're talking about), or a mind-blowing brain-freeze - it is presented to the world on a silver platter. But wait! Youtube watchers finally get to ask the questions! How could THAT be a bad idea? Anderson Cooper tells us that there are 'many amazing questions'. You mean like this one, right Anderson?
Erm, who shot this video? A poltergeist? Is this man a poltergeist himself? And then, at last, a young man speaks for the people:
What will continue to bemuse y'all, of course, is how in the Sam Hell Barack Obama KEEPS looking clueless in recorded debates without anybody pointing it out. Because he's a man of Destiny, ok? A man of Destiny.
A leaked Memo from the newly, uh, streamlined McCain campaign has stunned the internets. Making a comparison between McCain's recent financial booboos and the 1979 meldown of Ronald Reagan's White House-headed juggernaut, this memo advises the Senator to "Live off the Land." And while the poor guy crouches behind a New Hampshire oak tree gnawing on discarded hotdogs his advisors have hit upon a revolutionary fundraising strategy. "Spend less", they suggest. "Raise more." Oh. Ok then.
Back on the front lines, and Mitt Romney called Barack Obama a pervert, while the Pentagon suggested that Hillary Clinton has been spreading enemy propaganda. Like we haven't heard that one before. Apparently Ms. Clinton, as a member of the Armed Services Committee, asked for a detailed proposal for the withdrawl of troops from Iraq. That bitch.
Aaand, just to prove how cuddly she is, Hill and Bill - Billary, if you will - have spoofed the Sopranos ending. Not afraid to be themselves, those darn Clintons.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you Former Senator Fred Thomson of Tennessee. And his wife. Damn, Fred. Naughty boy. Although...Jeri looks kinda shy. We hope she's ok. She actually seems a little bit...sad. Is she looking at us? Is she trying to...Is she trying to speak to us with her eyes? No, gentlemen, her EYES.
Oh, but it gets better. Much better. The New Dark Horse of the Republican field has a secret identity: Straight-talkin' District Attorney Arthur Branch of TV's Law & Order. The Monocle is not suggesting that Fred Thompson looks like Arthur Branch. The Monocle is telling you that Fred Thompson ACTUALLY PLAYED Arthur Branch on televison. Until quite recently. Being the only Presidential Candidate with his own entry on IMDB hasn't stopped Fred from a flourishing career as occasional Senator for the Volunteer State, Washington lobbyist for hire and, our fave, legal counsel for disgraced Rove-scapegoat Scooter Libby. What a dish.
Anyhoo, here's what Fred Thompson wants to talk about: -The ongoing threat of Islamist terrorism -The unresolved economic threat of entitlements -The need for lower taxes to ensure our nation remains economically competitive and innovative -The need to secure our borders -The need to support families and to protect our children from the harder edges of culture -The need to remain engaged in the world while remaining true to America’s principles
Brrrrr. Goody. Sounds GREAT.
While the Reagan Comparison is unavoidable, particularly since Fred appears to have quantum-leapt all the way from 1976 anyway, it must be noted that, unlike Ronnie, Fred actually GAVE UP his seat in the United State Senate to star in a TV show. How the world has changed. The Monocle welcomes Fred to the race. We needed a little glitz, a little glamour, a little razzmatazz. We needed a man unafraid to do things like this:
Oooh! Snaps! You get it, right? Yeah? He's saying Michael Moore should be in a mental institution! In his FACE.
Maybe we should all get a little help. And, frankly, The Monocle wouldn't mind one of those BIG FAT CUBAN CIGARS the former Senator is smoking either.
The slogan of the State Tourist Board reads 'Welcome to New Hampshire, You're Going To Love It Here." Apparently,the fall foliage is to die for. It's over 97 % white, and 80% Christian. It calls itself the Granite State, and it casts the very first votes in the presidential election cycle. Nobody really knows why. The people of New Hampshire take their responsibities very seriously indeed. Out stumping for his wife, Bill Clinton looked a little haunted, and said "They really put you through it...they kind of - kick the tires and see whether you can run or not." And boy, they really do: For the next several months, everyone will poll the living crap out of these people. 52% of people like cupcakes, 30% do not own a dog, 97% think yellow is a nicer colour than pink. The media will slavishly report national statistics squeezed from polls of less than 100 people. Oh, but they know what they're doing, the Granitas. They're like those canny old people who know how to jump a queue properly, are always the first in the buffet line, ask awkward questions, insist on being fed dinner at 4 p.m. and generally affect the whole tone of the weekend by being grouchy and self-involved. And so, polling what may as well be a tiny cross-section of the 8th-grade class of the Gladys Mackintickle School for the Performing Arts, CNN reports that:
In the Blue Corner, Clinton leads Obama 33% to 27%, and in the bottom half of the draw Governor Bill Richardson has overtaken John Edwards 11% to 9%. This means that Edwards has fallen from 16% in June, and Richardson polled at 11% in both months. We Love Bill Richardson! Check him out in the recent debate:
Pity he STILL looks like a guy also speaking in sign language, but we're sure it'll even out. More on Richards later. (In Other news, Mad Joe Biden is polling at 4%, Little Denis Kucinich at 3, and Crazy Old Mike Gravel, who really should have dropped out by now, at 1)
Mitt Romney, the MORMON! HE'S A MORMON! is leading the Republicans 34% to Rudy's paltry 20, and poor old McCain has dropped to 12% from 20. Behind somebody called Fred Thomson of Tennessee.
But here are The Monocle's favourite stats: 16% would never ever vote for Clinton, 15 would rather die than vote for Obama, but a whopping 24% never want to see John Edward's face again. We will do our own polling anaysis here at the Monocle. Stats will be hereafter read like this: while the people of New Hampshire aren't that keen on women, while they're not too sure about black guys, they really, really hate pretty boys. Time to shoot a duck, Senator Edwards, time to shoot a duck.
While the Democratic party romps all over the media, well-slept and neatly dressed, the Republican party has emerged into the 2008 campaign looking absolutely knackered. (Having said that, it has long been clear that the Democrats couldn't pump a bullet into the GOP if they were given a free shot from three inches away.) Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House, has suggested that the only hope for the GOP in 2008 would be a revolution within the party. The public's negative view of current party leaders means that prospective presidential candidates have to bill themselves as Republican mavericks: viable opponents to both the Democratic party AND the Bush administration. With that in mind, The Monocle invites you to meet just one of the good men up for the job of All-New Republican President.
Heeeere's Rudy! Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph 'zero tolerance' Giuliani, famous for bigging up the rotten apple, is striding ahead. Rudy's finest moment, pottering about in the ashes of the World Trade Centre with a megaphone, whuumphed him right into the status of Legend. Rudy's a bit of a conundrum: for a presidential candidate, he's not so hot on family values. Currently married to his third wife, he is estranged from his grown-up son, and has yet to come down properly on either side of the abortion fence. While the idea of a pro-choice Republican candidate got the religious right's knickers in quite a twist, Giuliani has, disappointingly, backpedalled furiously on the issue. in 1989 he said "There must be public funding for abortions for poor women. We cannot deny any woman the right to make her own decision about abortion because she lacks resources." Unfortch, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE Rudolph Giuliani feels a little differently: "States should make their decision. Some states decide to do it, most states decide not to do it. And I think that's the appropriate way to have this decided." Oh well. With the McCain campaign being whaled up and down by a series of resignations and accusations of wild financial fumbling, Rudy has emerged, thus far, as the only real contender, apart from Mitt Romney, and MITT ROMNEY IS A MORMON, PEOPLE, A MORMON. (That is not a typo.) Can he shake off the slightly seedy aura of a thrice-married New Yorker in time to win over the Republican base?
The Monocle was j-u-u-st about to upload some white-knuckle footage of the all-night Democratic fillibuster on a bill to pull American troops out of Iraq within 120 days. There were close-ups of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid dozing in his chair! An exact count of the amount of water-glasses consumed by Senator Clinton! Then I saw this.
The Monocle would like to draw your attention to the following clip. We assume this isn't the first time you've seen it: in the days following the incident, it was shown 633 times by cable and broadcast news networks. But what, you may well ask, does it have to do with this election? WELL. Howard Dean gave this speech just moments after having lost the Iowa Democratic Caucus. He was surprised. He was worried. He...he screamed "Byaaahh!" on live television. And that was the end of that. In American campaign politics, you can throw away your career in one silly, sweaty moment. The Monocle hopes to see many, many more moments like this in the coming year.
Barack Obama! A Man of Destiny! A Man of Change! A New Hope! The Second Coming! So far, he has raised...golly, even more than Ms. Rodham Clinton. But...why? Well, he's dishy, but not, The Monocle personally believes, quite as dishy as John Edwards. No, the real reason for all this Obamarama is the following clip. At the Democratic National Convention, the man from Illinois gave the keynote speech. It was a truly memorable moment; why it still melts the stony heart of The Monocle itself. He looked, all of a sudden, like the next great president of the United States. And even now, the Senator is covered with sparkly, shiny political angel-dust. He couldn't shake it off if he rolled in questionable substances for the next 12 months. Watch and tremble.
Welcome to The Monocle. We hold these truths to be self-evident: The race for the race for the Whitehouse has begun, and over the next year fine political minds will chant in unison. They will wander, lost and shivering, through their own sentences, they will sleep 1 hour in 400, and, in some cases, hunt duck on live television. By this process the American people will, in November 2008, be given the opportunity to choose the leader of the free world. Join us, as we pick the best bits out for you.
Honk For Kerry
The Monocle once campaigned for John Kerry. It stood at an intersection in the centre of Philadelphia holding a sign that read HONK FOR KERRY! There were 5 other people on the roundabout doing the same thing. The Monocle jumped up and down and waved the sign in the air. Some people honked. It was pretty cold out there.
The lady in the shed called it 'consciousness raising' and handed over signs. People stupid enough to run skidded dangerously on a rolling sea of Sharpies and Pentels. The Monocle was sent to a specific roundabout - a special, designated junction, mind - with a couple who had driven all the way from North Carolina. The couple were wearing matching lavender fleeces. They were accompanied by an older lady dressed in newspaper. Everybody drank Dunkin' Donuts coffee and rubbed their hands together. The Monocle felt quite sick with excitement.
Some people honked so much that they drove round the block to do it again. Some slowed down to shout encouragement. Some slowed down to throw trash. A yellow truck slowed down so that a man could lean out the of the window and shout "No thankyou! No thankyou! He wants to have lunch with Saddam Hussein!" before he was out of earshot.
A lady wandered up and touched The Monocle on the elbow. She said "What do you care, no offense, but what do you care, being from Australia?" The Monocle patiently explained that no, though it may sound as though The Monocle was Australian, it was in fact from England. The lady said "Well, what do I care?"
That was in the high hours, the heady minutes before the election, when the Monocle was pretty sure it knew what was going to happen. Anyway, whatever, it didn't. The Monocle woke up the morning after the long night and went out, prepared for riots. People in the cafe next door were reading the newspaper. 'Did Kerry lose?' asked the Monocle. 'Pretty much' said the cafe owner. The Monocle looked around. A couple of people turned a page. Someone stirred their coffee, someone else sneezed quietly.
You remember in high-school when you didn't have all that many friends, and, like, the system was oppressive, man, but you were sure you were destined for intellectual world domination yourself? You remember your diary entries? You know how you read them now and vow that no-one, but no-one, will ever be allowed to see them? Imagine if your little brother put them on the internet. Imagine if this happened to Hillary Clinton. Well, it has! Enough of this policy! Let's get serious. Some nasty bastard she used to write to in high-school has published her teenage letters. Hahahaha. 
