The Monocle: Blogtastic! Heroes and Villains

Monday 6 August 2007

Blogtastic! Heroes and Villains

And so to the YearlyKos Convention, a great gathering of political nerds, elves and unemployed college grads, aaand the perfect setting for the latest installment of this month's Key Theme: Hillary vs. All You Motherf*ckers. While the YouTube debates are moderated by a talking puppet and require the candidates to submit their answers in song form only, the YearlyKostravaganza consists of 400 New-Balance-wearing political geeks pushing their spectacles up and asking questions about Section 14 of, er, Paragraph 40 (b) of the Amendment to the Bill for the Overturning of Steel Sanctions...Once again, Ms. Clinton caused a ruckus, throwing down with John Edwards about taking money from lobbyists. Hillary is now so used to the dogfight that she can't conceal her delight:

Yeah! So sue me! I'll take money! From the corporations! From any f*cker! I'm Cruella Motherf*cking Deville, assh*les! Bring it on! Watcha got, huh? Huh? Look upon these rolled-up shirt-sleeves, nerds, and cower. Hillary's here, and she's ready to do business. With anyone. You want a pantomime? Well I'm Your Fairy F*cking Godmother, and I'm here to get things done. Prettygirl Edwards, Pansyboy Obama, what kind of a world do you morons live in? Welcome to HillaryTown, U.S.A. This is real life. And real life hurts. MUAHAHAHA!

Goodness, those bloggists do like Obama, don't they? Poor man can hardly get a word out now without hundreds of screaming 20-somethings rising to their feet like they've just seen the Second Coming. Which, according to Mitt Romney, will take place in Missouri.

1 comment:

Aaron said...: HIlDawg shows what an insider she really is. She even managed to out-turquoise the other candidates. BTW, Mr. Edwards called...he wants his off-the-wall color scheme back!; 7 August 2007 at 15:00

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Welcome to The Monocle. We hold these truths to be self-evident: The race for the race for the Whitehouse has begun, and over the next year fine political minds will chant in unison. They will wander, lost and shivering, through their own sentences, they will sleep 1 hour in 400, and, in some cases, hunt duck on live television. By this process the American people will, in November 2008, be given the opportunity to choose the leader of the free world. Join us, as we pick the best bits out for you.

Honk For Kerry

The Monocle once campaigned for John Kerry. It stood at an intersection in the centre of Philadelphia holding a sign that read HONK FOR KERRY! There were 5 other people on the roundabout doing the same thing. The Monocle jumped up and down and waved the sign in the air. Some people honked. It was pretty cold out there.

The lady in the shed called it 'consciousness raising' and handed over signs. People stupid enough to run skidded dangerously on a rolling sea of Sharpies and Pentels. The Monocle was sent to a specific roundabout - a special, designated junction, mind - with a couple who had driven all the way from North Carolina. The couple were wearing matching lavender fleeces. They were accompanied by an older lady dressed in newspaper. Everybody drank Dunkin' Donuts coffee and rubbed their hands together. The Monocle felt quite sick with excitement.

Some people honked so much that they drove round the block to do it again. Some slowed down to shout encouragement. Some slowed down to throw trash. A yellow truck slowed down so that a man could lean out the of the window and shout "No thankyou! No thankyou! He wants to have lunch with Saddam Hussein!" before he was out of earshot.

A lady wandered up and touched The Monocle on the elbow. She said "What do you care, no offense, but what do you care, being from Australia?" The Monocle patiently explained that no, though it may sound as though The Monocle was Australian, it was in fact from England. The lady said "Well, what do I care?"

That was in the high hours, the heady minutes before the election, when the Monocle was pretty sure it knew what was going to happen. Anyway, whatever, it didn't. The Monocle woke up the morning after the long night and went out, prepared for riots. People in the cafe next door were reading the newspaper. 'Did Kerry lose?' asked the Monocle. 'Pretty much' said the cafe owner. The Monocle looked around. A couple of people turned a page. Someone stirred their coffee, someone else sneezed quietly.

The Monocle adjusted its spectacles.

The Monocle

Monday 6 August 2007

Blogtastic! Heroes and Villains

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Honk For Kerry

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