A Call for the Resting of Certain Guardian Journalists

Dear Sir,

It has come to our attention that certain of your good colleagues have overloaded on Dunkin Donuts, bleary back-seat cat-naps, incessant, blaring hotel-television news, debate-hall entrance music and constant deadlines, and have started to turn in copy like this:

Last week was his worst since he launched his campaign in February last year. He was tested by an incendiary public appearance last week by his former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, which pushed race up the agenda.


We suggest that you let Ewan MacAskill and Suzanne Goldberg have a break, already. Nobody really cares about this stuff anymore anyway. Give them a minibreak. Maybe together. Let 'em come back when two people are actually running for President.

If you don't, they might try to push something much pointier than race up YOUR agenda.

Respectfully Yours

The Monocle.

Bloggers Against Voting: Take Your Stand

Welcome back, y'all! Unfortunately the Monocle overloaded sometime around the 36th Very Last Primary, and we've just now stepped off the plane from a charming little retreat on an unamed island somewhere between cell-phone & broadband ranges, so we have no idea who the Democrats chose as their nom...what. The. F*ck? Seriously. No.

Indiana? Are they MAKING UP STATES now?

Maaargh, at this stage, all the Democrats are doing making quite sure the world knows that neither candidate can win a gosh darn election. Ok. Fine. Whatever. The Monocle is strong. The Monocle is going to ignore "Indiana", and very quickly, very quietly, call the race for Barack Obama. See! No problem. Obama. No wait! No, Obama.

The Monocle is then going to call for a radical change in the voting system, whereby one state, (and we'd like to nominate...say, New York - see that was easy), will choose both nominees in one swift primary, then another (hmm, let's say Pennsylvania) will choose the President.

If that's not possible, America must never be allowed to vote again. We, the rest of the world, will elect their President, and we will do it in time for lunch.

In the meantime, it seems that, for reasons literally nobody cares about, Obama will absolutely, definitely, certainly, without a shadow of a whisker of a doubt, be the nominee. Probably.