Clinton On Top

Now a certain someone has finally come on out and said who they think's gonna win the democratic primaries. Pundits have been waiting with baited breath for this moment. But who is our mysterious political soothsayer? Is it Al Gore? Newt Gingrich? David Letterman? Britney Spears? Woah. Hold up. Check this, you guys: it's the President. You know, the President of the United States? Medium-sized, cowboy hat, undead wife? No? Um. Anyway, he reckons Hillary Clinton's going to win everything.

Deep. It's not like she's polling in the stratosphere, spent this Sunday on all five breakfast talk shows, has raised trazillions and is attracting other people's campaign staff like she's a magnet and they're iron shavings. It's not like if aliens attacked and were vanquished by a nuclear arsenal (hello? did no-one think of this? when we're fighting an intergalactic war we'll be whistling a different tune about Iran, that's for sure) the single comprehensible piece of information they'd take away from the planet is that Hillary's pretty much gonna get the nomination. It's not like Bush predicting this is the same as him putting on his deepest voice and saying "MARK ME: TOMORROW WILL BE A WEDNESDAY." Mind you, he's not all that good at the days of the week.

WHY do the Repubs keep bandying Hillary about? Are they afraid of looking stupid when she does get the nomination? Or is there a darker reason? Might they...WANT her to get it? Might they be massaging the conservative voting base by issuing dire warnings? Think about it. We're going on holiday...Back on Monday. Love you, byeeee.



We've been puzzlin' this one for a while now.

Dennis Kucinich: We'll Have What He's Having.

Hello, birds, hello trees! All you need is love, da-da-dada-da, All you need is love - and a stupendously hot wife growing out of your left shoulder - da-da-dada-da. And possibly a small amount of high-grade, da-da-dada-da. Democratic Presidential Candidate Dennis Kucinich is no longer the Former Mayor of Cleveland, he's the Goddamn Mayor of Love. Unhuh, get down! And while you're down there, let us know if you can see what Elizabeth K is doing to her husband from behind to make him smile like that. Then go to your happy place. In ours, Kucinich has been elected president entirely on the back of this Ad:

Sigh.

The time when The Monocle felt most loved was when we called our mum at 4 in the morning, and she said "Don't worry about waking me, I can take the chutney out of the oven" then totally talked us through a really hard time. Mums are the best! See, bet you thought we'd be snarky. Snarky no more! It's a new day, and we're gonna make sure Kucinich is President. Now. In order to get him elected we'll have to get rid of that smile, run some negative ads, take a lot more money from special interest groups, denounce that sh*t about gay marriage, refuse to talk about abortion, ignore the immigration bill, at least mention Jesus, get some lifts on those shoes and...Oh. Oh wait.

Bugger.

Golly My Wife Is On the Phone What a Surprise.

Rudolph Giuliani has an iffy history with the National Rifle Association, to say the least. As mayor of New York F*ckin Citeh in its Taxi Driver days, he was kind of mean about guns. If you believe New Yorkers, back then a thirteen-year-old girl could buy a massive bazooka from her nearest Bodega and roam the streets unchecked, holding up steakhouses. So it's no wonder he said this:

Unfortunately, one can't swan about slagging off the NRA when one is running for President. Rudy's method of Mayoring in New York Citeh involved the heavy, heavy hand of the law taking a vice-like grip on all 5 boroughs. This doesn't really jive so well with the NRA's anti goverment-interference 'tude.

Inevitably, at the NRA conference on Friday, (like a beauty parade entirely for your wierd neighbour who sits out on the porch in a vest all day and stares at your wife for way too long) poor Rudy was required to backpedal, dodge, twist and shimmy in front of a stony-faced crowd. Brrr. Especially when Mike 'the governator' Huckabee of Arkansas kept going on about how he hunts every other day and named his youngest son Rifle and stuff.

Of course the best Gudy can hope for is that the NRA won't actively try to block his nomination; if they sit this election out - apart from muttering under their breath - he'll be ok. Rudy did his best, equating his LAWSUIT AGAINST GUN MANUFACTURERS (what was he thinking?) with the NRA's commitment to crime prevention. It was a masterful attempt. And then. This happened.

What. The F*ck.

We don't like to big ourselves up, but if a British politician tried a stunt like that little number the country would declare a national holiday entirely devoted to taking the piss; there'd be street-fairs, mandatory re-enactments, dancing and huge screens with the whole thing playing on a glorious, insulting loop. The politician would be forced to sign a pledge that he would never again run for elected office and would retire to a life of guest-hosting 'Have I Got News For You', writing for the Spectator and being papped outside Mahiki. His obituary would be accompanied by a photograph of him taking part in a charity football match dressed as a mobile phone.

The NRA gave him grudging applause.

Hillary Tells a Joke

Here's a tasty taste of what happens when you don't let a candidate sleep for 40 days:



Is it us, or does Hillary look like she forgot that her role as best man at a shotgun wedding wasn't over and got stuck into the 'poo way before lunch had even started, so that by the time the speeches rolled around she had to be poked in the gut by her beady-lookin' wife, slipped a little on her way to the mic, forgot the name of the bride, told a dick joke, realised she was bombing and, in desparation, thought it'd be funny to liken the bride's mother to Darth Vader.

We like this new, 'Boris Johnson' Hillary. It's a great way to go. Though: at least, if you're going to let your candidate talk trash about how the Vice President is a supervillain, put a little blusher on her. Give her some coffee.

Thatcher and Giuliani: Love All

FINALLY! Someone somewhere has realized that England totally wasn't getting enough play in this election and sent a delegation to meet with the government. Only, they went to meet the government of 1984, as led by Big Bad Baroness Thatcher. And they sent Rudy Giuliani. But no matter! We're important!

Before he jumped back on the plane to spend today with the National Rifle Association, Rudy shook as many limp British hands as he could, went to a fundraising dinner, and embraced the ghost of conservatives past by hanging out with the Iron Lady. But WHY? Well, The Guardian suggests that gabbing with The Milk Snatcher is as close as these GOP candidates can get to actually exhuming the body of Ronald Reagan.

Now that everyone can see just how special we are to the Free World, get ready for a veritable onslaught of potential Presidents: the next few months will bring Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, ratcheting up the gorgeous with every new visitor. So pick a guy, then arrange to spend 5,000 smackeroos for the privilege of having your photo taken with them at a dinner. They're like Mickey Mouse; and it costs about the same as a trip to Disneyland.

Ron Paul Supporter Makes A Good Point

For the longest time, we've felt that Republican candidate Ron Paul's supporters give the internet the worst name. They shout at you in BADLY SPELLD CAPTIAL LETTERS ON YOUTUBE RON APUL 4 PRESDIENT SPEAKIN TRUTH 2 POWER READ THE DESCRIPTION!!!!!!!! A new dawn is breaking, however, as one brave Paul-ista makes her voice heard above the crowd. And how? With her bare, pure, honest skin, of course. It's raw. It's moving. It's art:




Wouldn't she be stupid not to? Personally, we don't think a thing's been said properly unless it's been said by a tank top. Ours have the details of John Edwards's poverty policy. Also, they're baby blue! Awesome.

Is America Ready for a Woman Whatsitcalled?

Hey everybody! People keep asking, "Is America ready for a woman President?" To this, we reply: Is America ready for a FEMALE president. FEMALE. In what eaarthly world is "woman" an adjective? GodDAMMIT.

Back when The Monocle was in college, and there was nothing to do but get high and spend our student loans on box-sets of HBO shows, we sure did watch a lot of Sex And The City. Aaah, good times. Often, when things are bothering us, we still like to sit around in our comfiest lingerie/Manolo combination and ponder those big questions in life. You too, right? And when Samantha Bee got a job as a comedy pundit on US faux-news program The Daily Show, there were those who wondered: is America ready for a woman comedian? Then it turned out that Samantha was OMG sooo funny. Here she is, finally pointing out quite how dumb a certain question is.

Republicans Hate Jesus, Minorities.

The Republicans are totally going to win this election without the vote of a single minority, everybody. Who needs black people? Who needs Latinos? Last week all the Republican candidates except John 'At This Point, Anything' McCain refused to debate on Unavision, North America's largest Spanish-language TV channel. Yesterday it emerged that the top 5 Republican candidates certainly weren't going to go down to Baltimore to debate at a historically black college. No way Jose. Turns out they're real busy that particular day. The 5, uh, shall we say "back runners", however, (wait, there are TEN GOP candidates? Really?) will be there. This story is starting to be picked up in every national blog: it could be serious.


Confused? Man, us too. Who are these people's PEOPLE? They should be hella fired. Maybe the thinking is this: with a Clinton and a black guy on the opposite end (and thus spake Giuliani yesterday, prophesying a Clinton/ Obama ticket in some interview or other) why even f*cking bother? Maybe that ship has already sailed...It might be worth mentioning, though, that this whole thing could be total bullcr*p - a mildly effective Democrat stunt. You know, that's kind of a cheering idea. Maybe finally the Donkey is growing some balls. Think about that. No, not that.

Clinton Vs. Giuliani

Surprise! Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani are still scuffling about that pesky war. Poor Hillary: one tiny vote for the war in Iraq, like, AGES ago, and people just won't get off her case about it. This latest bout of playground pushing comes in the wake of a f**king stupid advertisement in the New York Times taken out by liberal campaigners MoveOn. The ad dubbed General Petraeus 'General Betray-Us' which isn't even funny and made the Democrats look like crazy slogan-shouting nonsense-pedlars. Mind you, MoveOn.org has always been the embarassing uncle of the liberal movement.

Soo, after a breif victory jig, the Republican party wasted no time choosing Hillary as their prime target.

Hillary fought back, saying: "I have repeatedly not only expressed my strong admiration and support for our men and women in uniform but with respect to General Petraeus, I have also made my respect for him abundantly clear and I think that speaks for itself," which both makes no sense and seems utterly clear, like almost everything she ever says.

Both candidates actually benefit from this kind of public one-on-one; by only taking each other on they're almost already fighting the general election, as well as further endearing themselves to their core supporters. The only possible problem will come when the entire country realizes that the issue is unbelievably boring, and has nowhere to go. Hillary voted for the war. Now she wishes she hadn't. She's probably not gonna say sorry about that. You decide. The end.

Oops! Thompson Forgets Most Important Legal Case of the Century

It turns out that no matter how many smart people you have working on a campaign it still kinda matters whether or not yer candidate is at least a little bit on top of his shit. Ever since Fred Thompson kicked off his run, Arthur Branch, DA has been blundering about, tripping over every important conservative issue in sight. First he hated on Jesus, now he can't totally recall the details of the Terri Schiavo case:

“I can’t pass judgment on it. I know that good people were doing what they thought was best,” Thompson said. “That’s going back in history. I don’t remember the details of it.”

Ok. I mean, my cat remembers the Schiavo case, but sure. Not being able to pass judgement on it, though? Uh, isn't that part of the point of, you know, running for President?
Liberal commentators have suggested that this latest booboo will sound the death knell for Thompson's relationship with the Republican base. It probably won't, because no-one pays attention to these little details, but if he carries on like this someone's gonna notice.

GOD

Wooh. That picture's kinda scary. Anyhoodle, today we're going to talk a little bit about Jeezus. Jeezus will be watching over the next few months reeeally carefully. Everywhere you turn, there he'll be, tripping up perfectly ordinary issues with his big old feet, shouldering his way into debates you never even dreamed he might show up at.

in 2004, George Bush Junior won 78% of the evangelical Christian vote, to John Kerry's 21%. While the Evangelical vote isn't, as most Europeans believe, a MASSIVE voting block, when elections are as close as they were in 2000 and 2004, how everyone votes is crucial. The Evangelical vote made a real difference. There are two types of Evangelicals: hard-line conservatives, and what some pundits term "freesyle" Evangelicals. Freestyle Evangelicals tend to be pretty moderate, and not necessarily Republican voters. It's worth noting that in the 90s Bill Clinton won not just the Freestyle vote, but quite a bit of the Crazy vote as well. The again, Blinton really liked Jeezus a whole lot. Jeezus with the babbling and the snakes and all.

While Evangelical Christians are not necessarily the batshit conservatives that Europe sniggeringly terms them, they do like the Lord, and they're not alone in America. Fred Thompson has just waved buh-bye to everyone by admitting that he only goes to church when his mom drags him there by the ear. "I know I'm right with God, and with those I love." he says. Yeeeah. But why don't you like church? Makes you feel a little uncomfortable, huh Fred? OR DO YOU HATE BABY JESUS?

Phoney Fred

Yesterday was was the anniversary of 9/11 - and what better way to Remember Our Heroes than with a Memorial Nasty Anonymous Website Casting Wild And Certainly Libelous Accusations At Your Opponent? Mitt Romney's campaign may or may not have been hurling secret poo at Fred Thompson on the internet, and they got caught. Next time, they should make sure the website they say mean things on can't be immediately linked to the business partner of a top Romney campaign consultant. What a poignant time for this to happen. Mitt Romney: Showing America How to Grieve.

The Romney Campaign denies all knowledge of the anti Fred Thompson 'Phoney Fred' website, which appeared sometime on the 10th, and disappeared sometime after everyone suggested that it wasn't cool, man. That kind of behaviour only makes you look bad. Jeez, did we learn nothing in Primary School? And so, In the Spirit of Memory that Marks This Sad Time, we have Preserved some of it for You:

"The Faces of Phoney Fred

* Fancy Fred
* Five O’clock Fred
* Flip-Flop Fred
* McCain Fred
* Moron Fred
* Playboy Fred
* Pro-Choice Fred
* Son-of-a-Fred
* Trial Lawyer Fred"

Moron Fred? Dude, please.

The Thompson Campaign responded like this:

"This latest episode only serves to prove what many voters are already figuring out: Mitt Romney will do anything, say anything, smear any opponent and flip flop on any position in order to win. The American people in general and the Republican Party in particular deserve better than this."

Guys guys guys. We ALL deserve better than this.

Huckabee: The Other Man From Hope

Ok FINE, let's talk about Mike Huckabee. It seems that A Small Town Called Hope, Arkansas has a machine out the back which just SHOOTS out little Presidential candidates. First Bill Clinton and now former lardass Huckabee have made the journey all the way from Hope, through the Governor's mansion, and onto the election tour bus. The reason we're shining the desk-lamp of fame onto Mike today is that his showing in the Ames Straw Poll has APPARENTLY done him some kind of, you know, good. Hurraaay. And now that one bastard's said so, every other bastard will wonder if it's true. It's like the Life of Brian in the GOP at the moment.

Soo. Let's see:

1) He's one of those Frenemies - a former fatty mclardpants who lost 110 pounds and won't stop showing off, making us all feel bad. He even wrote a book about it, called 'Quit Digging Your Own Grave With a Knife and Fork' or something. He keeps running marathons, which some might say is 'health advocacy', but which seems pretty passive aggressive to us.

2) He moved into a trailer on the grounds of the Governor's Mansion while the building was being redone. Haha.

3) He's pro-life, anti civil unions, pro death-penalty, anti-cuddles.

4) His wife, Janet, who clearly lurrves having her photo taken, ran for Secretary of State in Arkansas. She lost, cos they don't like the little ladies getting all in charge of stuff down there. But hey!

5) He doesn't think the USA should militarize it's borders with Mexico, and has vetoed a BUNCHA nasty legislation in Arkansas which would have denied illegal immigrants basic human rights, saying it was 'Un-Christian.'

6) UNfortunately, as an ordained Baptist minister, he's not totally averse to the teaching of creationism in schools. Mmm.

7) He's not stupid! Yay. And Newt Gingrich thinks he might win a coupla primaries. And he's reached this alleged breakthough on ONE FIFTY-TWOth of Hillary Clinton's campaign budget. That's right, we just maybe had to make up a word to describe how embarassing that should be for Ms. Clinton.

OMG, but wait! Look at Huckabee on Hardball:

Woah. Ok. Vote...Huckabee?

(sigh) Bloomberg '08?

Man, now that Fred Thomspn has put on his best dress and finally been coaxed from his bedroom to make an appearance at the Republican party, he's gonna be SO PISSED about this. Turns out Mike Bloomberg, the Mayor of Noo York Citeh, might, you know, make a little cameo himself. How do we know this? Well, he's only gone and got himself a FACEBOOK page, hasn't he. These days, beefing up your socialnetworkbranches is essentially as good as releasing a comprehensive economic policy. Ok, fine, it's better.

Bloomie, who ditched his lifelong Democratic affiliation to run for Mayor as a Republican, sparked rumours that he might run as an independent candidate when he left the GOP in June. He has been studiously denying all Presidential ambitions ever since, but in an 'Ok, you guys, I really shouldn't. Nah, I really think I'd be good at it, and all, but no - oh, you think so? thanks, but really, I'm so busy, though no-one else is really up to the job, but no, I'm not running, seriously you guys' way.

He's on Myspace too.

Endless Thompson Announcement

Fred Thompson has announced. And announced. And announced. It's worth taking a look at this for as long as you can before you, you know, wander off to make yourself a drink. But when you do mix that highball, make it a strong one.

Look at those ol' puppy-dawg eyes. Sh*t.

G.O.P. Maybe Wins G.O.P. Debate!

Last night the Republican party barely snatched victory from defeat in their televised New Hampshire debate, despite the fact that they were only debating each other. Eeesh, it doesn't look good out there. In all the liveblogging The Monocle has perused this morning (so you don't have to! Cos you totally would otherwise!) everyone seems to have been drinking heavily. Here's a list. Everyone likes a list.

1)According to a buncha drunks sitting in the dim lights of their family basements, John McCain acquitted himself very nicely, considering that his campaign recently underwent financial armageddon and a slew of rats running up the gangplank. McCain can't be written off just yet - amongst the furious sniping of Don Giuliani and the Mormon he's starting to look like a real good guy.
2)Giuliani always looks surprisingly clever, though that may indicate quite how far his press team have to travel before January. Also, if they can, they should maybe try and tone down the ugly. Perhaps some different glasses, Jeez, perhaps even something to make him taller. Less...like a depressed rabbit. Just thinking out loud.

3)The second speaker is Mike Huckabee. You can ignore him.
4)RON PAUL 4 PRSIDENT SPEACKIN TRUTH 2 POWER!
5)Oh god. We can't really go on with this...so yeah. It's just...the idea of so many months till January...so...many...debates...This is just for New Hampshire. There are like a HUNDRED more states after this one. Pass the gin.

Fred Thompzzzzzzz...

Right. We'd better...zzzzoh! Sorry! We should talkzzzzzok! Yup! Fred Thompson. Time to talk about him again. Now I'm sure you've all been on the edge of your seats, wond'rin when old Fred is going to announce that he's running for President. Yes sir. Or perhaps you thought he already was, hmm? He's been playing the world's media (valiantly represented by one of the Washington Posts's least-busy interns) like salmon all summer. Golly! Will he? Won't he? OF COURSE HE WILL. And now he's said so. Oh wait, what? Ok no. No, sorry, he's said he'll say so. He HAS announced that he WILL announce that he'll run for the Republican nomination.

While the rest of the Republican field (dead-man-walking McCain, Don Giuliani, a mormon, three dogs and a small duck) are debating their hearts out on Fox news tonight, Fred Thompson, the living reincarnation of St Ronald of Reagan, will be a mere button's press away, announcing on ABC. Why has he waited so long? Why, if there's one thing his long career in television has taught him, it's how to make an entrance. Who here had heard of Fred Thompson before today? No? Well, tomorrow he'll be in every newspaper. Pundits have suggested that he's left it too late. The Monocle believes he's left it ju-u-st late enough.

Hear this: Fred Thompson doesn't look like a real candidate, but he is. No point in fighting the strong Democratic field with clever talk. No, better to fight it with drama; better to fight it with a deep, resonant speaking voice, and a little wink for the ladies. Part of us is happy to see him, part of us is a little scared. Here he is, acting:

Just acting. Honest.

Raise High John Edwards

John Edwards, the Little Mill Worker that Could, was endorsed yesterday by the Steel and Coal Mining Unions. Since Edwards has been pole-dancing frantically for organised labour for the last few months, this isn't going to come as a body-blow for Hill and Barry. Also, Chris Dodd, (you know HIM. You know, that guy with the silver hair. No, silly, the other one) just got the Firefighter's Union to come to his party, and while that's very lovely and all, it doesn't mean he's the NPOTUS. Ah, who are we kidding, we're only so mean about John Edwards cos we lurve him. Yes, dammit, we're in love with John Edwards, and we don't care who knows it. If people don't vote for him, they're f**king retarded. Dese unions have got the right idea.

Aaand they're off!

Last weekend was Labour day across the pond. To The Monocle, Labour day (or Labor Day if you will) is the moment in which New York City stops being a blissful, empty adventure playground and fills up once again with a**holes back from their Hamptons house shares. To the names on the 2008 sign-up sheet hung outside the Cafeteria of Destiny, Labor Day heralds the gunshot that starts the sprint to the primaries.

From here till what will seem like the end of time and is in fact next January, candidates will be careering along at warp speed, and political commentators will be frantically interpreting their every move. A new haircut, a new stump speech, a new voice-pitch, a particular tie...all will create first furious gossip, then serious analysis in the New York Times. Though surely no candidate would be s'darn foolhardy as to get a new haircut this late in the game. Which means it's probably all over for John Edwards:

Adieu, MC Rove.

And so. A Nation Mourns. A Life in Pictures. Stop all the clocks. Shut all the shops. Karl Rove is no more. August 31st was his last day at work. In the Roosevelt Room, at 7:30 a.m., the man we have come to know as MC Rove was presented with a slide show of his days in the White House. He was too choked up to speak. So are we. Or at least, we're overcome with...some feeling. A really big feeling.

This must be what great sadness feels like. A momentous, shivery, thunderous sort of thing, as though the earth has shifted suddenly; a mourning for the world, and what it has become. Grief for the political process, the loss of innocence. As Sartre says, all stories are told from death backwards. Only at the end can we see how far we have fallen:


Oh, and btw you guys, according to the Economist, Clinton's advisor Mark Penn is the New Karl Rove. Cha-cha-cha.

http://www.economist.com/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9687236

Romney Walks Iowa

Oh yeah, ages ago Mitt Romney won the Iowa Straw Poll, shocking literally nobody. Huckabee came second. None of this means anything, and nobody cares about it at all. Except for Mike Huckabee. Mike Huckabee's pretty stoked right now.

Oh, Larry!

You have to feel for Larry Craig, the Republican Senator for Idaho. There you are, in June, minding your own business, using a regular old bathroom stall/public park/badger reserve to solicit same-sex sexual encounters with strangers, and whaddya know! That blue-eyed charmer you're do-si-do-ing with whips out his police credentials! And, unfortunately, that is not a euphemism. This June, Senator Craig was arrested in Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport for allegedly engaging in alleged conduct not entirely fit for a U.S. Senator.

According to an admirably detailed arrest report, Craig peered at the plainclothes cop through the crack in the bathroom stalls, moved his foot to a particular position...uh, let me see...swiped his hand UNDER the partition in a particular way three times...knocked on the sink to the tune of 'Jolene'...double axel...alleged chachacha...When taken into custody, the good representative of Idaho allegedly informed the cop that he was a U.S. Senator, asking "What do you think about that?" CherchING, I should think. Craig has since insisted that the position of his feet was merely due to his particularly 'Wide Stance.' Insert your joke there.

So what does Ol' Wide Stance have to do with our date with 2008? WELL. It seems that ju-u-ust prior to the whole mixup, Craig was out stumping for Mitt Romney on the subject of Family Values. Hard. On video. Now, here at the Monocle we believe in double standards for everyone, but we can't just lie back and take the outing of a gay Senator if he has previously voted to amend the constitution to ban gay marriage, as Craig has done. That's a bit hard to swallow. Craig resigned yesterday. Mind you, chasing intern skirt around the desk in the Oval Office: fine if you're rich, mildly impeachable of you're from Arkansas, but all in all, okey dokey. Gay? Get out of my office. That's right, OUT.

As you can imagine, there's an awful lot on the internets about this, but we'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to the people of RED STATE UPDATE, one of our very favourite li'l pundit outfits. Here's what they have to say about it all:

Think that 'bout sums it up.