Barack Obama. At Last.

Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois, is the Democratic party's nominee for President of the United States.
It took Obama 400 years to wrestle this nomination from Hillary Clinton, and he has 5 days to campaign for the actual office of president, but...wait. There's plenty of time for that sorta talk. Stay with us, listeners. The Monocle had been watching the Obama YouTube channel, and it feels a little bit strange.

The Monocle grew up with hope - we spent our childhoods parading round in vegan booties on behalf of, I dunno, like Peace and Fluffy Bunnies and shit. Our parents drew special little protest signs for our tiny hands to hold. Unlike their American counterparts, that generation didn't really, as Winona says in (this generation's Anna Karenina) Reality Bites, sell their dreams for a pair of running shoes. Nah, in Europe they just sort of...moved to Wales.

When the Monocle arrived in America George Bush was about to be re-elected, and no-one really cared. Oh sure, there were a couple of vigils every now and then, but the whole protest movement was confined to the Women's Studies Department of one small section of Washington Square park in New York Citeh. The Monocle gazed around, befuddled. Where was their responsibility? Where was the communication? The Monocle would like to suggest that the movement we didn't see then can be be seen clearly now: that movement is here:


We Europeans haven't thought much of America in the last few years. We suspected they didn't really get things done, not properly, not moving to Wales properly. We never imagined they'd give Obama the nomination. Now, America's got plenty of time to utterly balls this up. Come November we could be lookin' at President Grandpaw McCain. That'd be a'ight. But for today, high on insomnia, we'll buy the Obama Campaign's story, and we'll admit that we've learnt a lesson. We might believe that Barack Obama's narrative is as carefully written as a novel, but it works. It works because people are ready to take it and make it happen. Story ain't just story, not in a place like America. Story is everything. Story makes things happen. Protest is valuable, but it doesn't do this.

Darn! Outfoxed again, you wily campaign strategists!

A Call for the Resting of Certain Guardian Journalists

Dear Sir,

It has come to our attention that certain of your good colleagues have overloaded on Dunkin Donuts, bleary back-seat cat-naps, incessant, blaring hotel-television news, debate-hall entrance music and constant deadlines, and have started to turn in copy like this:

Last week was his worst since he launched his campaign in February last year. He was tested by an incendiary public appearance last week by his former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, which pushed race up the agenda.


We suggest that you let Ewan MacAskill and Suzanne Goldberg have a break, already. Nobody really cares about this stuff anymore anyway. Give them a minibreak. Maybe together. Let 'em come back when two people are actually running for President.

If you don't, they might try to push something much pointier than race up YOUR agenda.

Respectfully Yours

The Monocle.

Bloggers Against Voting: Take Your Stand

Welcome back, y'all! Unfortunately the Monocle overloaded sometime around the 36th Very Last Primary, and we've just now stepped off the plane from a charming little retreat on an unamed island somewhere between cell-phone & broadband ranges, so we have no idea who the Democrats chose as their nom...what. The. F*ck? Seriously. No.

Indiana? Are they MAKING UP STATES now?

Maaargh, at this stage, all the Democrats are doing making quite sure the world knows that neither candidate can win a gosh darn election. Ok. Fine. Whatever. The Monocle is strong. The Monocle is going to ignore "Indiana", and very quickly, very quietly, call the race for Barack Obama. See! No problem. Obama. No wait! No, Obama.

The Monocle is then going to call for a radical change in the voting system, whereby one state, (and we'd like to nominate...say, New York - see that was easy), will choose both nominees in one swift primary, then another (hmm, let's say Pennsylvania) will choose the President.

If that's not possible, America must never be allowed to vote again. We, the rest of the world, will elect their President, and we will do it in time for lunch.

In the meantime, it seems that, for reasons literally nobody cares about, Obama will absolutely, definitely, certainly, without a shadow of a whisker of a doubt, be the nominee. Probably.

In Depth With The Romney Boys

What could possibly have drawn the Monocle out of its coma? Was it the surprisingly viable Huckabee candidacy (WE CALLED IT! WE CALLED IT AGES AGO!)? Was it the moronic hooha surrounding Hillary's allegedly career-turning sniffle? Was it the inevitable race-based fracas between Hillary and Barack, a fight which proves, once and for all, that the Democratic party is perfectly capable of losing this race all by themselves, THANKyouverymuch? Nope. It's a Salt Lake City Blog. Click here to peruse the work of one a few brave Utah women, as they ask the one question no-one's afraid to answer: Mitt Romney's sons: Hott? Or Nott? Now, when you reach the pink haven of this gorgeous slice of Internet Punditry, remember to take some time to browse these boys' Myspace pages. It's worth it, believe us.

Oh, and welcome back, Upper East Siders. You know you love me.
xoxo

Playing Gotcha: Hillary's Achilles Heel

As our national football team miss-kick England's dreams in an operatic, mud-splattered failure, our minds turn to another booboo across the pond. Last week Hillary Clinton was polling at 46% in the race for the Dem's nomination. This week: 36%. What the he'? How'd THAT happen? Suffice to say, she has had a bit of a 'mare, these last few news cycles. Let's take a closer look.

Suzanne Goldberg of the Guardian, in town last week to flog her new book (but none the worse for it) got her Mystic Meg on and predicted something: the issue that's going to follow Hillary Clinton around like a bad smell ain't her husband, it ain't her continuing (dude! Stop it) votes in support of the Bush/Cheney foreign policy, it ain't her pants suits or her spine-chilling laugh. No, said Goldberg, rather than being stuck between Iraq and a hard place, she's going to be hung out to dry on the subject of Immigration.

Hillary, as an elected representative for the state of New York, came out in support of some pretty progressive immigration legislation, and generally bigged up the subject. She wadn't going to get elected in New York otherwise. UN fortunately, what gets you elected in new York is eh-he-hexTREMELY unlikely to endear you to the good people of, well, practically anywhere else in America.

And lo, she was thusly hoisted on her own petard:

And further lo, did Edwards and Obama bear down upon her, great shiny white teeth a'glinting, and tear her answer limb from limb and sniggering all the while.

Nobody knows yet where Hillary Clinton's going to come down on the subject of Immigration, or quite how her campaign are going to wrestle their narrative back into position. Indeed, the Clintonians have been leading the story for so long that they might have plum forgotten how to do anything else. Of the 8 points they dropped last week, Obama took 2, Edwards took 4, and 3, like, don't even know anymore man. As the anonymous lobbyist says, perhaps the people Americans want to see politicking aren't necessarily the people they want to see in charge of the country.

Mind you, at the Democrat's death-match-cage-fight in Las Vegas last week, Hillary stood triumphant and bloodied at the end:

Oooo, SNAP.

Election 2008 OR...The Archers?

Sorry, guess we must have passed out in a drunken stupor on the couch after the 300th New Debate Format Extravaganza. Even PAID bloggers don't try to do too much. Where are we now? Hold on a sec...ok. Right. Weeee're...pretty much where we left off! Turns out this race is like The Archers: 3 updates a day, and you could emigrate for fifty years without much happening. Though at least the Archers had a gay marriage, and, while our great aunt threw her embroidery across the room when it happened, that was a price Radio 4 was willing to pay, unlike SOME leaders of the free world we could mention.

Jeez, something must have happened. Ok, ok, everyone got all het up about Hill-Clint's laugh:
and you can kinda see their point. It looks like she's about to kill us. But then again, we like that about her, right?

John Edwards was accused of cheating on his (AWESOME, DYING, SHOULD-TOTALLY-BE-PRESIDENT) wife. There are no links to this story available on the internet anymore, which means that The National Enquirer was probably about to get the living bejesus sued out of them by the Edwards Campaign. Edwards also seems to have been losing some ground in Iowa, his last chance saloon, to Obama AND Hillary. This makes us so depressed we want to get drunk and pass out again.

We'd like to give a shout out to our new fave columnist: Gail Collins of the New York Times. Click here to read her on baby boomers and Hillary.


Hillary is winning. Everything. Still. But seriously, read Gail Collins. And listen to the Archers. And hell, have a slice of cake. Aaah; it's good to be back.

Clinton On Top

Now a certain someone has finally come on out and said who they think's gonna win the democratic primaries. Pundits have been waiting with baited breath for this moment. But who is our mysterious political soothsayer? Is it Al Gore? Newt Gingrich? David Letterman? Britney Spears? Woah. Hold up. Check this, you guys: it's the President. You know, the President of the United States? Medium-sized, cowboy hat, undead wife? No? Um. Anyway, he reckons Hillary Clinton's going to win everything.

Deep. It's not like she's polling in the stratosphere, spent this Sunday on all five breakfast talk shows, has raised trazillions and is attracting other people's campaign staff like she's a magnet and they're iron shavings. It's not like if aliens attacked and were vanquished by a nuclear arsenal (hello? did no-one think of this? when we're fighting an intergalactic war we'll be whistling a different tune about Iran, that's for sure) the single comprehensible piece of information they'd take away from the planet is that Hillary's pretty much gonna get the nomination. It's not like Bush predicting this is the same as him putting on his deepest voice and saying "MARK ME: TOMORROW WILL BE A WEDNESDAY." Mind you, he's not all that good at the days of the week.

WHY do the Repubs keep bandying Hillary about? Are they afraid of looking stupid when she does get the nomination? Or is there a darker reason? Might they...WANT her to get it? Might they be massaging the conservative voting base by issuing dire warnings? Think about it. We're going on holiday...Back on Monday. Love you, byeeee.



We've been puzzlin' this one for a while now.

Dennis Kucinich: We'll Have What He's Having.

Hello, birds, hello trees! All you need is love, da-da-dada-da, All you need is love - and a stupendously hot wife growing out of your left shoulder - da-da-dada-da. And possibly a small amount of high-grade, da-da-dada-da. Democratic Presidential Candidate Dennis Kucinich is no longer the Former Mayor of Cleveland, he's the Goddamn Mayor of Love. Unhuh, get down! And while you're down there, let us know if you can see what Elizabeth K is doing to her husband from behind to make him smile like that. Then go to your happy place. In ours, Kucinich has been elected president entirely on the back of this Ad:

Sigh.

The time when The Monocle felt most loved was when we called our mum at 4 in the morning, and she said "Don't worry about waking me, I can take the chutney out of the oven" then totally talked us through a really hard time. Mums are the best! See, bet you thought we'd be snarky. Snarky no more! It's a new day, and we're gonna make sure Kucinich is President. Now. In order to get him elected we'll have to get rid of that smile, run some negative ads, take a lot more money from special interest groups, denounce that sh*t about gay marriage, refuse to talk about abortion, ignore the immigration bill, at least mention Jesus, get some lifts on those shoes and...Oh. Oh wait.

Bugger.

Golly My Wife Is On the Phone What a Surprise.

Rudolph Giuliani has an iffy history with the National Rifle Association, to say the least. As mayor of New York F*ckin Citeh in its Taxi Driver days, he was kind of mean about guns. If you believe New Yorkers, back then a thirteen-year-old girl could buy a massive bazooka from her nearest Bodega and roam the streets unchecked, holding up steakhouses. So it's no wonder he said this:

Unfortunately, one can't swan about slagging off the NRA when one is running for President. Rudy's method of Mayoring in New York Citeh involved the heavy, heavy hand of the law taking a vice-like grip on all 5 boroughs. This doesn't really jive so well with the NRA's anti goverment-interference 'tude.

Inevitably, at the NRA conference on Friday, (like a beauty parade entirely for your wierd neighbour who sits out on the porch in a vest all day and stares at your wife for way too long) poor Rudy was required to backpedal, dodge, twist and shimmy in front of a stony-faced crowd. Brrr. Especially when Mike 'the governator' Huckabee of Arkansas kept going on about how he hunts every other day and named his youngest son Rifle and stuff.

Of course the best Gudy can hope for is that the NRA won't actively try to block his nomination; if they sit this election out - apart from muttering under their breath - he'll be ok. Rudy did his best, equating his LAWSUIT AGAINST GUN MANUFACTURERS (what was he thinking?) with the NRA's commitment to crime prevention. It was a masterful attempt. And then. This happened.

What. The F*ck.

We don't like to big ourselves up, but if a British politician tried a stunt like that little number the country would declare a national holiday entirely devoted to taking the piss; there'd be street-fairs, mandatory re-enactments, dancing and huge screens with the whole thing playing on a glorious, insulting loop. The politician would be forced to sign a pledge that he would never again run for elected office and would retire to a life of guest-hosting 'Have I Got News For You', writing for the Spectator and being papped outside Mahiki. His obituary would be accompanied by a photograph of him taking part in a charity football match dressed as a mobile phone.

The NRA gave him grudging applause.

Hillary Tells a Joke

Here's a tasty taste of what happens when you don't let a candidate sleep for 40 days:



Is it us, or does Hillary look like she forgot that her role as best man at a shotgun wedding wasn't over and got stuck into the 'poo way before lunch had even started, so that by the time the speeches rolled around she had to be poked in the gut by her beady-lookin' wife, slipped a little on her way to the mic, forgot the name of the bride, told a dick joke, realised she was bombing and, in desparation, thought it'd be funny to liken the bride's mother to Darth Vader.

We like this new, 'Boris Johnson' Hillary. It's a great way to go. Though: at least, if you're going to let your candidate talk trash about how the Vice President is a supervillain, put a little blusher on her. Give her some coffee.

Thatcher and Giuliani: Love All

FINALLY! Someone somewhere has realized that England totally wasn't getting enough play in this election and sent a delegation to meet with the government. Only, they went to meet the government of 1984, as led by Big Bad Baroness Thatcher. And they sent Rudy Giuliani. But no matter! We're important!

Before he jumped back on the plane to spend today with the National Rifle Association, Rudy shook as many limp British hands as he could, went to a fundraising dinner, and embraced the ghost of conservatives past by hanging out with the Iron Lady. But WHY? Well, The Guardian suggests that gabbing with The Milk Snatcher is as close as these GOP candidates can get to actually exhuming the body of Ronald Reagan.

Now that everyone can see just how special we are to the Free World, get ready for a veritable onslaught of potential Presidents: the next few months will bring Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, ratcheting up the gorgeous with every new visitor. So pick a guy, then arrange to spend 5,000 smackeroos for the privilege of having your photo taken with them at a dinner. They're like Mickey Mouse; and it costs about the same as a trip to Disneyland.

Ron Paul Supporter Makes A Good Point

For the longest time, we've felt that Republican candidate Ron Paul's supporters give the internet the worst name. They shout at you in BADLY SPELLD CAPTIAL LETTERS ON YOUTUBE RON APUL 4 PRESDIENT SPEAKIN TRUTH 2 POWER READ THE DESCRIPTION!!!!!!!! A new dawn is breaking, however, as one brave Paul-ista makes her voice heard above the crowd. And how? With her bare, pure, honest skin, of course. It's raw. It's moving. It's art:




Wouldn't she be stupid not to? Personally, we don't think a thing's been said properly unless it's been said by a tank top. Ours have the details of John Edwards's poverty policy. Also, they're baby blue! Awesome.

Is America Ready for a Woman Whatsitcalled?

Hey everybody! People keep asking, "Is America ready for a woman President?" To this, we reply: Is America ready for a FEMALE president. FEMALE. In what eaarthly world is "woman" an adjective? GodDAMMIT.

Back when The Monocle was in college, and there was nothing to do but get high and spend our student loans on box-sets of HBO shows, we sure did watch a lot of Sex And The City. Aaah, good times. Often, when things are bothering us, we still like to sit around in our comfiest lingerie/Manolo combination and ponder those big questions in life. You too, right? And when Samantha Bee got a job as a comedy pundit on US faux-news program The Daily Show, there were those who wondered: is America ready for a woman comedian? Then it turned out that Samantha was OMG sooo funny. Here she is, finally pointing out quite how dumb a certain question is.

Republicans Hate Jesus, Minorities.

The Republicans are totally going to win this election without the vote of a single minority, everybody. Who needs black people? Who needs Latinos? Last week all the Republican candidates except John 'At This Point, Anything' McCain refused to debate on Unavision, North America's largest Spanish-language TV channel. Yesterday it emerged that the top 5 Republican candidates certainly weren't going to go down to Baltimore to debate at a historically black college. No way Jose. Turns out they're real busy that particular day. The 5, uh, shall we say "back runners", however, (wait, there are TEN GOP candidates? Really?) will be there. This story is starting to be picked up in every national blog: it could be serious.


Confused? Man, us too. Who are these people's PEOPLE? They should be hella fired. Maybe the thinking is this: with a Clinton and a black guy on the opposite end (and thus spake Giuliani yesterday, prophesying a Clinton/ Obama ticket in some interview or other) why even f*cking bother? Maybe that ship has already sailed...It might be worth mentioning, though, that this whole thing could be total bullcr*p - a mildly effective Democrat stunt. You know, that's kind of a cheering idea. Maybe finally the Donkey is growing some balls. Think about that. No, not that.

Clinton Vs. Giuliani

Surprise! Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani are still scuffling about that pesky war. Poor Hillary: one tiny vote for the war in Iraq, like, AGES ago, and people just won't get off her case about it. This latest bout of playground pushing comes in the wake of a f**king stupid advertisement in the New York Times taken out by liberal campaigners MoveOn. The ad dubbed General Petraeus 'General Betray-Us' which isn't even funny and made the Democrats look like crazy slogan-shouting nonsense-pedlars. Mind you, MoveOn.org has always been the embarassing uncle of the liberal movement.

Soo, after a breif victory jig, the Republican party wasted no time choosing Hillary as their prime target.

Hillary fought back, saying: "I have repeatedly not only expressed my strong admiration and support for our men and women in uniform but with respect to General Petraeus, I have also made my respect for him abundantly clear and I think that speaks for itself," which both makes no sense and seems utterly clear, like almost everything she ever says.

Both candidates actually benefit from this kind of public one-on-one; by only taking each other on they're almost already fighting the general election, as well as further endearing themselves to their core supporters. The only possible problem will come when the entire country realizes that the issue is unbelievably boring, and has nowhere to go. Hillary voted for the war. Now she wishes she hadn't. She's probably not gonna say sorry about that. You decide. The end.

Oops! Thompson Forgets Most Important Legal Case of the Century

It turns out that no matter how many smart people you have working on a campaign it still kinda matters whether or not yer candidate is at least a little bit on top of his shit. Ever since Fred Thompson kicked off his run, Arthur Branch, DA has been blundering about, tripping over every important conservative issue in sight. First he hated on Jesus, now he can't totally recall the details of the Terri Schiavo case:

“I can’t pass judgment on it. I know that good people were doing what they thought was best,” Thompson said. “That’s going back in history. I don’t remember the details of it.”

Ok. I mean, my cat remembers the Schiavo case, but sure. Not being able to pass judgement on it, though? Uh, isn't that part of the point of, you know, running for President?
Liberal commentators have suggested that this latest booboo will sound the death knell for Thompson's relationship with the Republican base. It probably won't, because no-one pays attention to these little details, but if he carries on like this someone's gonna notice.

GOD

Wooh. That picture's kinda scary. Anyhoodle, today we're going to talk a little bit about Jeezus. Jeezus will be watching over the next few months reeeally carefully. Everywhere you turn, there he'll be, tripping up perfectly ordinary issues with his big old feet, shouldering his way into debates you never even dreamed he might show up at.

in 2004, George Bush Junior won 78% of the evangelical Christian vote, to John Kerry's 21%. While the Evangelical vote isn't, as most Europeans believe, a MASSIVE voting block, when elections are as close as they were in 2000 and 2004, how everyone votes is crucial. The Evangelical vote made a real difference. There are two types of Evangelicals: hard-line conservatives, and what some pundits term "freesyle" Evangelicals. Freestyle Evangelicals tend to be pretty moderate, and not necessarily Republican voters. It's worth noting that in the 90s Bill Clinton won not just the Freestyle vote, but quite a bit of the Crazy vote as well. The again, Blinton really liked Jeezus a whole lot. Jeezus with the babbling and the snakes and all.

While Evangelical Christians are not necessarily the batshit conservatives that Europe sniggeringly terms them, they do like the Lord, and they're not alone in America. Fred Thompson has just waved buh-bye to everyone by admitting that he only goes to church when his mom drags him there by the ear. "I know I'm right with God, and with those I love." he says. Yeeeah. But why don't you like church? Makes you feel a little uncomfortable, huh Fred? OR DO YOU HATE BABY JESUS?

Phoney Fred

Yesterday was was the anniversary of 9/11 - and what better way to Remember Our Heroes than with a Memorial Nasty Anonymous Website Casting Wild And Certainly Libelous Accusations At Your Opponent? Mitt Romney's campaign may or may not have been hurling secret poo at Fred Thompson on the internet, and they got caught. Next time, they should make sure the website they say mean things on can't be immediately linked to the business partner of a top Romney campaign consultant. What a poignant time for this to happen. Mitt Romney: Showing America How to Grieve.

The Romney Campaign denies all knowledge of the anti Fred Thompson 'Phoney Fred' website, which appeared sometime on the 10th, and disappeared sometime after everyone suggested that it wasn't cool, man. That kind of behaviour only makes you look bad. Jeez, did we learn nothing in Primary School? And so, In the Spirit of Memory that Marks This Sad Time, we have Preserved some of it for You:

"The Faces of Phoney Fred

* Fancy Fred
* Five O’clock Fred
* Flip-Flop Fred
* McCain Fred
* Moron Fred
* Playboy Fred
* Pro-Choice Fred
* Son-of-a-Fred
* Trial Lawyer Fred"

Moron Fred? Dude, please.

The Thompson Campaign responded like this:

"This latest episode only serves to prove what many voters are already figuring out: Mitt Romney will do anything, say anything, smear any opponent and flip flop on any position in order to win. The American people in general and the Republican Party in particular deserve better than this."

Guys guys guys. We ALL deserve better than this.

Huckabee: The Other Man From Hope

Ok FINE, let's talk about Mike Huckabee. It seems that A Small Town Called Hope, Arkansas has a machine out the back which just SHOOTS out little Presidential candidates. First Bill Clinton and now former lardass Huckabee have made the journey all the way from Hope, through the Governor's mansion, and onto the election tour bus. The reason we're shining the desk-lamp of fame onto Mike today is that his showing in the Ames Straw Poll has APPARENTLY done him some kind of, you know, good. Hurraaay. And now that one bastard's said so, every other bastard will wonder if it's true. It's like the Life of Brian in the GOP at the moment.

Soo. Let's see:

1) He's one of those Frenemies - a former fatty mclardpants who lost 110 pounds and won't stop showing off, making us all feel bad. He even wrote a book about it, called 'Quit Digging Your Own Grave With a Knife and Fork' or something. He keeps running marathons, which some might say is 'health advocacy', but which seems pretty passive aggressive to us.

2) He moved into a trailer on the grounds of the Governor's Mansion while the building was being redone. Haha.

3) He's pro-life, anti civil unions, pro death-penalty, anti-cuddles.

4) His wife, Janet, who clearly lurrves having her photo taken, ran for Secretary of State in Arkansas. She lost, cos they don't like the little ladies getting all in charge of stuff down there. But hey!

5) He doesn't think the USA should militarize it's borders with Mexico, and has vetoed a BUNCHA nasty legislation in Arkansas which would have denied illegal immigrants basic human rights, saying it was 'Un-Christian.'

6) UNfortunately, as an ordained Baptist minister, he's not totally averse to the teaching of creationism in schools. Mmm.

7) He's not stupid! Yay. And Newt Gingrich thinks he might win a coupla primaries. And he's reached this alleged breakthough on ONE FIFTY-TWOth of Hillary Clinton's campaign budget. That's right, we just maybe had to make up a word to describe how embarassing that should be for Ms. Clinton.

OMG, but wait! Look at Huckabee on Hardball:

Woah. Ok. Vote...Huckabee?

(sigh) Bloomberg '08?

Man, now that Fred Thomspn has put on his best dress and finally been coaxed from his bedroom to make an appearance at the Republican party, he's gonna be SO PISSED about this. Turns out Mike Bloomberg, the Mayor of Noo York Citeh, might, you know, make a little cameo himself. How do we know this? Well, he's only gone and got himself a FACEBOOK page, hasn't he. These days, beefing up your socialnetworkbranches is essentially as good as releasing a comprehensive economic policy. Ok, fine, it's better.

Bloomie, who ditched his lifelong Democratic affiliation to run for Mayor as a Republican, sparked rumours that he might run as an independent candidate when he left the GOP in June. He has been studiously denying all Presidential ambitions ever since, but in an 'Ok, you guys, I really shouldn't. Nah, I really think I'd be good at it, and all, but no - oh, you think so? thanks, but really, I'm so busy, though no-one else is really up to the job, but no, I'm not running, seriously you guys' way.

He's on Myspace too.