It turns out that no matter how many smart people you have working on a campaign it still kinda matters whether or not yer candidate is at least a little bit on top of his shit. Ever since Fred Thompson kicked off his run, Arthur Branch, DA has been blundering about, tripping over every important conservative issue in sight. First he hated on Jesus, now he can't totally recall the details of the Terri Schiavo case:
“I can’t pass judgment on it. I know that good people were doing what they thought was best,” Thompson said. “That’s going back in history. I don’t remember the details of it.”
Ok. I mean, my cat remembers the Schiavo case, but sure. Not being able to pass judgement on it, though? Uh, isn't that part of the point of, you know, running for President? Liberal commentators have suggested that this latest booboo will sound the death knell for Thompson's relationship with the Republican base. It probably won't, because no-one pays attention to these little details, but if he carries on like this someone's gonna notice.
Wooh. That picture's kinda scary. Anyhoodle, today we're going to talk a little bit about Jeezus. Jeezus will be watching over the next few months reeeally carefully. Everywhere you turn, there he'll be, tripping up perfectly ordinary issues with his big old feet, shouldering his way into debates you never even dreamed he might show up at.
in 2004, George Bush Junior won 78% of the evangelical Christian vote, to John Kerry's 21%. While the Evangelical vote isn't, as most Europeans believe, a MASSIVE voting block, when elections are as close as they were in 2000 and 2004, how everyone votes is crucial. The Evangelical vote made a real difference. There are two types of Evangelicals: hard-line conservatives, and what some pundits term "freesyle" Evangelicals. Freestyle Evangelicals tend to be pretty moderate, and not necessarily Republican voters. It's worth noting that in the 90s Bill Clinton won not just the Freestyle vote, but quite a bit of the Crazy vote as well. The again, Blinton really liked Jeezus a whole lot. Jeezus with the babbling and the snakes and all.
While Evangelical Christians are not necessarily the batshit conservatives that Europe sniggeringly terms them, they do like the Lord, and they're not alone in America. Fred Thompson has just waved buh-bye to everyone by admitting that he only goes to church when his mom drags him there by the ear. "I know I'm right with God, and with those I love." he says. Yeeeah. But why don't you like church? Makes you feel a little uncomfortable, huh Fred? OR DO YOU HATE BABY JESUS?
Yesterday was was the anniversary of 9/11 - and what better way to Remember Our Heroes than with a Memorial Nasty Anonymous Website Casting Wild And Certainly Libelous Accusations At Your Opponent? Mitt Romney's campaign may or may not have been hurling secret poo at Fred Thompson on the internet, and they got caught. Next time, they should make sure the website they say mean things on can't be immediately linked to the business partner of a top Romney campaign consultant. What a poignant time for this to happen. Mitt Romney: Showing America How to Grieve.
The Romney Campaign denies all knowledge of the anti Fred Thompson 'Phoney Fred' website, which appeared sometime on the 10th, and disappeared sometime after everyone suggested that it wasn't cool, man. That kind of behaviour only makes you look bad. Jeez, did we learn nothing in Primary School? And so, In the Spirit of Memory that Marks This Sad Time, we have Preserved some of it for You:
"The Faces of Phoney Fred
* Fancy Fred * Five O’clock Fred * Flip-Flop Fred * McCain Fred * Moron Fred * Playboy Fred * Pro-Choice Fred * Son-of-a-Fred * Trial Lawyer Fred"
Moron Fred? Dude, please.
The Thompson Campaign responded like this:
"This latest episode only serves to prove what many voters are already figuring out: Mitt Romney will do anything, say anything, smear any opponent and flip flop on any position in order to win. The American people in general and the Republican Party in particular deserve better than this."
Fred Thompson has announced. And announced. And announced. It's worth taking a look at this for as long as you can before you, you know, wander off to make yourself a drink. But when you do mix that highball, make it a strong one.
Right. We'd better...zzzzoh! Sorry! We should talkzzzzzok! Yup! Fred Thompson. Time to talk about him again. Now I'm sure you've all been on the edge of your seats, wond'rin when old Fred is going to announce that he's running for President. Yes sir. Or perhaps you thought he already was, hmm? He's been playing the world's media (valiantly represented by one of the Washington Posts's least-busy interns) like salmon all summer. Golly! Will he? Won't he? OF COURSE HE WILL. And now he's said so. Oh wait, what? Ok no. No, sorry, he's said he'll say so. He HAS announced that he WILL announce that he'll run for the Republican nomination.
While the rest of the Republican field (dead-man-walking McCain, Don Giuliani, a mormon, three dogs and a small duck) are debating their hearts out on Fox news tonight, Fred Thompson, the living reincarnation of St Ronald of Reagan, will be a mere button's press away, announcing on ABC. Why has he waited so long? Why, if there's one thing his long career in television has taught him, it's how to make an entrance. Who here had heard of Fred Thompson before today? No? Well, tomorrow he'll be in every newspaper. Pundits have suggested that he's left it too late. The Monocle believes he's left it ju-u-st late enough.
Hear this: Fred Thompson doesn't look like a real candidate, but he is. No point in fighting the strong Democratic field with clever talk. No, better to fight it with drama; better to fight it with a deep, resonant speaking voice, and a little wink for the ladies. Part of us is happy to see him, part of us is a little scared. Here he is, acting:
Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you Former Senator Fred Thomson of Tennessee. And his wife. Damn, Fred. Naughty boy. Although...Jeri looks kinda shy. We hope she's ok. She actually seems a little bit...sad. Is she looking at us? Is she trying to...Is she trying to speak to us with her eyes? No, gentlemen, her EYES.
Oh, but it gets better. Much better. The New Dark Horse of the Republican field has a secret identity: Straight-talkin' District Attorney Arthur Branch of TV's Law & Order. The Monocle is not suggesting that Fred Thompson looks like Arthur Branch. The Monocle is telling you that Fred Thompson ACTUALLY PLAYED Arthur Branch on televison. Until quite recently. Being the only Presidential Candidate with his own entry on IMDB hasn't stopped Fred from a flourishing career as occasional Senator for the Volunteer State, Washington lobbyist for hire and, our fave, legal counsel for disgraced Rove-scapegoat Scooter Libby. What a dish.
Anyhoo, here's what Fred Thompson wants to talk about: -The ongoing threat of Islamist terrorism -The unresolved economic threat of entitlements -The need for lower taxes to ensure our nation remains economically competitive and innovative -The need to secure our borders -The need to support families and to protect our children from the harder edges of culture -The need to remain engaged in the world while remaining true to America’s principles
Brrrrr. Goody. Sounds GREAT.
While the Reagan Comparison is unavoidable, particularly since Fred appears to have quantum-leapt all the way from 1976 anyway, it must be noted that, unlike Ronnie, Fred actually GAVE UP his seat in the United State Senate to star in a TV show. How the world has changed. The Monocle welcomes Fred to the race. We needed a little glitz, a little glamour, a little razzmatazz. We needed a man unafraid to do things like this:
Oooh! Snaps! You get it, right? Yeah? He's saying Michael Moore should be in a mental institution! In his FACE.
Maybe we should all get a little help. And, frankly, The Monocle wouldn't mind one of those BIG FAT CUBAN CIGARS the former Senator is smoking either.
Welcome to The Monocle. We hold these truths to be self-evident: The race for the race for the Whitehouse has begun, and over the next year fine political minds will chant in unison. They will wander, lost and shivering, through their own sentences, they will sleep 1 hour in 400, and, in some cases, hunt duck on live television. By this process the American people will, in November 2008, be given the opportunity to choose the leader of the free world. Join us, as we pick the best bits out for you.
Honk For Kerry
The Monocle once campaigned for John Kerry. It stood at an intersection in the centre of Philadelphia holding a sign that read HONK FOR KERRY! There were 5 other people on the roundabout doing the same thing. The Monocle jumped up and down and waved the sign in the air. Some people honked. It was pretty cold out there.
The lady in the shed called it 'consciousness raising' and handed over signs. People stupid enough to run skidded dangerously on a rolling sea of Sharpies and Pentels. The Monocle was sent to a specific roundabout - a special, designated junction, mind - with a couple who had driven all the way from North Carolina. The couple were wearing matching lavender fleeces. They were accompanied by an older lady dressed in newspaper. Everybody drank Dunkin' Donuts coffee and rubbed their hands together. The Monocle felt quite sick with excitement.
Some people honked so much that they drove round the block to do it again. Some slowed down to shout encouragement. Some slowed down to throw trash. A yellow truck slowed down so that a man could lean out the of the window and shout "No thankyou! No thankyou! He wants to have lunch with Saddam Hussein!" before he was out of earshot.
A lady wandered up and touched The Monocle on the elbow. She said "What do you care, no offense, but what do you care, being from Australia?" The Monocle patiently explained that no, though it may sound as though The Monocle was Australian, it was in fact from England. The lady said "Well, what do I care?"
That was in the high hours, the heady minutes before the election, when the Monocle was pretty sure it knew what was going to happen. Anyway, whatever, it didn't. The Monocle woke up the morning after the long night and went out, prepared for riots. People in the cafe next door were reading the newspaper. 'Did Kerry lose?' asked the Monocle. 'Pretty much' said the cafe owner. The Monocle looked around. A couple of people turned a page. Someone stirred their coffee, someone else sneezed quietly.
It turns out that no matter how many smart people you have working on a campaign it still kinda matters whether or not yer candidate is at least a little bit on top of his shit. Ever since Fred Thompson kicked off his run, Arthur Branch, DA has been blundering about, tripping over every important conservative issue in sight. First he hated on Jesus, now he can't totally recall the details of the Terri Schiavo case:
