The Monocle: Thatcher and Giuliani: Love All

Thursday, 20 September 2007

Thatcher and Giuliani: Love All

FINALLY! Someone somewhere has realized that England totally wasn't getting enough play in this election and sent a delegation to meet with the government. Only, they went to meet the government of 1984, as led by Big Bad Baroness Thatcher. And they sent Rudy Giuliani. But no matter! We're important!

Before he jumped back on the plane to spend today with the National Rifle Association, Rudy shook as many limp British hands as he could, went to a fundraising dinner, and embraced the ghost of conservatives past by hanging out with the Iron Lady. But WHY? Well, The Guardian suggests that gabbing with The Milk Snatcher is as close as these GOP candidates can get to actually exhuming the body of Ronald Reagan.

Now that everyone can see just how special we are to the Free World, get ready for a veritable onslaught of potential Presidents: the next few months will bring Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, ratcheting up the gorgeous with every new visitor. So pick a guy, then arrange to spend 5,000 smackeroos for the privilege of having your photo taken with them at a dinner. They're like Mickey Mouse; and it costs about the same as a trip to Disneyland.

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Welcome to The Monocle. We hold these truths to be self-evident: The race for the race for the Whitehouse has begun, and over the next year fine political minds will chant in unison. They will wander, lost and shivering, through their own sentences, they will sleep 1 hour in 400, and, in some cases, hunt duck on live television. By this process the American people will, in November 2008, be given the opportunity to choose the leader of the free world. Join us, as we pick the best bits out for you.

Honk For Kerry

The Monocle once campaigned for John Kerry. It stood at an intersection in the centre of Philadelphia holding a sign that read HONK FOR KERRY! There were 5 other people on the roundabout doing the same thing. The Monocle jumped up and down and waved the sign in the air. Some people honked. It was pretty cold out there.

The lady in the shed called it 'consciousness raising' and handed over signs. People stupid enough to run skidded dangerously on a rolling sea of Sharpies and Pentels. The Monocle was sent to a specific roundabout - a special, designated junction, mind - with a couple who had driven all the way from North Carolina. The couple were wearing matching lavender fleeces. They were accompanied by an older lady dressed in newspaper. Everybody drank Dunkin' Donuts coffee and rubbed their hands together. The Monocle felt quite sick with excitement.

Some people honked so much that they drove round the block to do it again. Some slowed down to shout encouragement. Some slowed down to throw trash. A yellow truck slowed down so that a man could lean out the of the window and shout "No thankyou! No thankyou! He wants to have lunch with Saddam Hussein!" before he was out of earshot.

A lady wandered up and touched The Monocle on the elbow. She said "What do you care, no offense, but what do you care, being from Australia?" The Monocle patiently explained that no, though it may sound as though The Monocle was Australian, it was in fact from England. The lady said "Well, what do I care?"

That was in the high hours, the heady minutes before the election, when the Monocle was pretty sure it knew what was going to happen. Anyway, whatever, it didn't. The Monocle woke up the morning after the long night and went out, prepared for riots. People in the cafe next door were reading the newspaper. 'Did Kerry lose?' asked the Monocle. 'Pretty much' said the cafe owner. The Monocle looked around. A couple of people turned a page. Someone stirred their coffee, someone else sneezed quietly.

The Monocle adjusted its spectacles.

The Monocle

Thursday, 20 September 2007

Thatcher and Giuliani: Love All

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Honk For Kerry

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