The Republicans are totally going to win this election without the vote of a single minority, everybody. Who needs black people? Who needs Latinos? Last week all the Republican candidates except John 'At This Point, Anything' McCain refused to debate on Unavision, North America's largest Spanish-language TV channel. Yesterday it emerged that the top 5 Republican candidates certainly weren't going to go down to Baltimore to debate at a historically black college. No way Jose. Turns out they're real busy that particular day. The 5, uh, shall we say "back runners", however, (wait, there are TEN GOP candidates? Really?) will be there. This story is starting to be picked up in every national blog: it could be serious.
Confused? Man, us too. Who are these people's PEOPLE? They should be hella fired. Maybe the thinking is this: with a Clinton and a black guy on the opposite end (and thus spake Giuliani yesterday, prophesying a Clinton/ Obama ticket in some interview or other) why even f*cking bother? Maybe that ship has already sailed...It might be worth mentioning, though, that this whole thing could be total bullcr*p - a mildly effective Democrat stunt. You know, that's kind of a cheering idea. Maybe finally the Donkey is growing some balls. Think about that. No, not that.
Ok FINE, let's talk about Mike Huckabee. It seems that A Small Town Called Hope, Arkansas has a machine out the back which just SHOOTS out little Presidential candidates. First Bill Clinton and now former lardass Huckabee have made the journey all the way from Hope, through the Governor's mansion, and onto the election tour bus. The reason we're shining the desk-lamp of fame onto Mike today is that his showing in the Ames Straw Poll has APPARENTLY done him some kind of, you know, good. Hurraaay. And now that one bastard's said so, every other bastard will wonder if it's true. It's like the Life of Brian in the GOP at the moment.
Soo. Let's see:
1) He's one of those Frenemies - a former fatty mclardpants who lost 110 pounds and won't stop showing off, making us all feel bad. He even wrote a book about it, called 'Quit Digging Your Own Grave With a Knife and Fork' or something. He keeps running marathons, which some might say is 'health advocacy', but which seems pretty passive aggressive to us.
2) He moved into a trailer on the grounds of the Governor's Mansion while the building was being redone. Haha.
3) He's pro-life, anti civil unions, pro death-penalty, anti-cuddles.
4) His wife, Janet, who clearly lurrves having her photo taken, ran for Secretary of State in Arkansas. She lost, cos they don't like the little ladies getting all in charge of stuff down there. But hey!
5) He doesn't think the USA should militarize it's borders with Mexico, and has vetoed a BUNCHA nasty legislation in Arkansas which would have denied illegal immigrants basic human rights, saying it was 'Un-Christian.'
6) UNfortunately, as an ordained Baptist minister, he's not totally averse to the teaching of creationism in schools. Mmm.
7) He's not stupid! Yay. And Newt Gingrich thinks he might win a coupla primaries. And he's reached this alleged breakthough on ONE FIFTY-TWOth of Hillary Clinton's campaign budget. That's right, we just maybe had to make up a word to describe how embarassing that should be for Ms. Clinton.
Man, now that Fred Thomspn has put on his best dress and finally been coaxed from his bedroom to make an appearance at the Republican party, he's gonna be SO PISSED about this. Turns out Mike Bloomberg, the Mayor of Noo York Citeh, might, you know, make a little cameo himself. How do we know this? Well, he's only gone and got himself a FACEBOOK page, hasn't he. These days, beefing up your socialnetworkbranches is essentially as good as releasing a comprehensive economic policy. Ok, fine, it's better.
Bloomie, who ditched his lifelong Democratic affiliation to run for Mayor as a Republican, sparked rumours that he might run as an independent candidate when he left the GOP in June. He has been studiously denying all Presidential ambitions ever since, but in an 'Ok, you guys, I really shouldn't. Nah, I really think I'd be good at it, and all, but no - oh, you think so? thanks, but really, I'm so busy, though no-one else is really up to the job, but no, I'm not running, seriously you guys' way.
Last night the Republican party barely snatched victory from defeat in their televised New Hampshire debate, despite the fact that they were only debating each other. Eeesh, it doesn't look good out there. In all the liveblogging The Monocle has perused this morning (so you don't have to! Cos you totally would otherwise!) everyone seems to have been drinking heavily. Here's a list. Everyone likes a list.
1)According to a buncha drunks sitting in the dim lights of their family basements, John McCain acquitted himself very nicely, considering that his campaign recently underwent financial armageddon and a slew of rats running up the gangplank. McCain can't be written off just yet - amongst the furious sniping of Don Giuliani and the Mormon he's starting to look like a real good guy. 2)Giuliani always looks surprisingly clever, though that may indicate quite how far his press team have to travel before January. Also, if they can, they should maybe try and tone down the ugly. Perhaps some different glasses, Jeez, perhaps even something to make him taller. Less...like a depressed rabbit. Just thinking out loud.
3)The second speaker is Mike Huckabee. You can ignore him. 4)RON PAUL 4 PRSIDENT SPEACKIN TRUTH 2 POWER! 5)Oh god. We can't really go on with this...so yeah. It's just...the idea of so many months till January...so...many...debates...This is just for New Hampshire. There are like a HUNDRED more states after this one. Pass the gin.
Welcome to Ames, Iowa, everybody! Have a cookie! The Ames Straw Poll is the small town of Ames's way of helping the Republicans figure out how everybody's doing out there. Sometimes these campaigns get so crazy, it's nice just to check in, you know? Have a little dinner, raise a little money for the GOP. Debate some, drink some, poll some. It's super-fun. Republican candidates even buy people tickets to go, just in case they couldn't afford it. So this year's Straw Poll is screeching ever closer; by August 11th, our long, cold wait'll be over....
Giuliani? Brownback? Huckabee? McCain? Romney? Thompson? Erm. Ok. Ok, this is kind of embarrassing, but some of the candidates just called to cancel. Apparently Giuliani's got some dinner he can't get out of. And McCain can't scrape together the busfare. And Fred Thompson says he wouldn't want us to go to any extra trouble just for him. Whatever! It's still going to be a GREAT party. Who needs THOSE GUYS. We'll make our own fun. This poll still totally counts, people. Maybe Sam Brownback'll bust out some party trick and everyone'll be really, REALLY sorry they missed it. And hey, Giuliani, stop hanging around in Iowa if you're not going to eat our home-made cookies. We know what you're up to, buster: you think you might just win this poll without even trying. Well, spending every day in Iowa until August 11th, then leaving on the morning of the poll is still trying, young man. You think you're sooo cool, don't you? Rudy 'Look, no hands!' Giuliani. Well, no-one in Iowa likes a show-off. Why, it was the Ames Straw Poll that kick-started George W. Bush's campaign in 1999. Don't mess with us.
If You watch a lot of Youtube, you'll have already noticed that most political posts are followed by a comment that goes something like this: RON PAUL FOR PRESDIENT HE IS THE GREATEST THING EVERYBODY SHOULD GET OUT AND VOTE FOR RON PAUL THE ONLY HONEST MAN IN POLTICS. But and why does everybody on the internet think he's so cool?
Let's see if we can untangle this little ball of yarn. Ron Paul is an obstetrician from Texas. He has served many terms in congress, sometimes as a Republican, and sometimes not so much. In 1988 he ran for President with the nomination of the Libertarian Party (Who he?). He is listed in the phone book; his constituents often call him up for a chat. His wife's cookbooks include recipes for Cherry Coke Salad and Velveeta Cheese Fudge. Although he lives in Texas, he votes against farm subsidies, against FEMA and flood aid, and against pro-NASA legislation. He has refused to condemn Robert Mugabe, he opposed the recent immigration bill and wants to end birthright citizenship. His anti-abortion stance comes with a quote that The Monocle would prefer not to repeat. He voted against casting a medal to honour Rosa Parks, a vote he lost 424-1. Thanks be to God. ANYdoodlydoo, speaking of the Lord, he has a Lutheran/Episcopal/Baptist background, and he won't travel alone with women. He has strong ties to the John Birch society.
On the other hand, he has always opposed the Iraq war. In 2001 he was one of three Republicans who voted against the Patriot Act. His solution to the situation in which America now finds itself is simple: "Just leave." In a recent debate, he said to Rudy Giuliani: "Have you ever read about the reasons they attacked us?" He uses words like 'hegemony' and 'empire'. He says wonderful things like "Politicians don't amount to much. Ideas do."
So WTF? Ron Paul is an odd biscuit, fo' sho'. If we are allowed, possibly, to make up a word,we might say that he is, essentially, an old-fashioned constitutionalist. He doesn't think government should poke around in any fool's business. Not even Mugabe's business. He believes in markets - that in a free market the truth will out. He credits the fall of the Soviet Union to economics: "It wasn't us forcing Soviets to build missiles that brought them down. It was the fact that socialism didn't work."
All this, and the fact that he has allegedly said a couple of not-entirely-cool things about both Israel and the black male population of Washington DC, has made Paul a figure of hope for all the wackjobs, 'libertarians', conspiracy theorists and jew-haters on the interwebs. In the words of New York Times reporter Christopher Caldwell, he is "Like a black hole that attracts the whole universe of individuals and group who don't recognise themselves in the politics they see on TV." So the next time you wonder exactly WHAT KIND of nutter is a Ron Paul nutter, remember: he's by far and away the most googled candidate on Youtube. (With thanks to C. Caldwell, an awesome guy.)
While the Democratic party romps all over the media, well-slept and neatly dressed, the Republican party has emerged into the 2008 campaign looking absolutely knackered. (Having said that, it has long been clear that the Democrats couldn't pump a bullet into the GOP if they were given a free shot from three inches away.) Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House, has suggested that the only hope for the GOP in 2008 would be a revolution within the party. The public's negative view of current party leaders means that prospective presidential candidates have to bill themselves as Republican mavericks: viable opponents to both the Democratic party AND the Bush administration. With that in mind, The Monocle invites you to meet just one of the good men up for the job of All-New Republican President.
Heeeere's Rudy! Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph 'zero tolerance' Giuliani, famous for bigging up the rotten apple, is striding ahead. Rudy's finest moment, pottering about in the ashes of the World Trade Centre with a megaphone, whuumphed him right into the status of Legend. Rudy's a bit of a conundrum: for a presidential candidate, he's not so hot on family values. Currently married to his third wife, he is estranged from his grown-up son, and has yet to come down properly on either side of the abortion fence. While the idea of a pro-choice Republican candidate got the religious right's knickers in quite a twist, Giuliani has, disappointingly, backpedalled furiously on the issue. in 1989 he said "There must be public funding for abortions for poor women. We cannot deny any woman the right to make her own decision about abortion because she lacks resources." Unfortch, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE Rudolph Giuliani feels a little differently: "States should make their decision. Some states decide to do it, most states decide not to do it. And I think that's the appropriate way to have this decided." Oh well. With the McCain campaign being whaled up and down by a series of resignations and accusations of wild financial fumbling, Rudy has emerged, thus far, as the only real contender, apart from Mitt Romney, and MITT ROMNEY IS A MORMON, PEOPLE, A MORMON. (That is not a typo.) Can he shake off the slightly seedy aura of a thrice-married New Yorker in time to win over the Republican base?
Welcome to The Monocle. We hold these truths to be self-evident: The race for the race for the Whitehouse has begun, and over the next year fine political minds will chant in unison. They will wander, lost and shivering, through their own sentences, they will sleep 1 hour in 400, and, in some cases, hunt duck on live television. By this process the American people will, in November 2008, be given the opportunity to choose the leader of the free world. Join us, as we pick the best bits out for you.
Honk For Kerry
The Monocle once campaigned for John Kerry. It stood at an intersection in the centre of Philadelphia holding a sign that read HONK FOR KERRY! There were 5 other people on the roundabout doing the same thing. The Monocle jumped up and down and waved the sign in the air. Some people honked. It was pretty cold out there.
The lady in the shed called it 'consciousness raising' and handed over signs. People stupid enough to run skidded dangerously on a rolling sea of Sharpies and Pentels. The Monocle was sent to a specific roundabout - a special, designated junction, mind - with a couple who had driven all the way from North Carolina. The couple were wearing matching lavender fleeces. They were accompanied by an older lady dressed in newspaper. Everybody drank Dunkin' Donuts coffee and rubbed their hands together. The Monocle felt quite sick with excitement.
Some people honked so much that they drove round the block to do it again. Some slowed down to shout encouragement. Some slowed down to throw trash. A yellow truck slowed down so that a man could lean out the of the window and shout "No thankyou! No thankyou! He wants to have lunch with Saddam Hussein!" before he was out of earshot.
A lady wandered up and touched The Monocle on the elbow. She said "What do you care, no offense, but what do you care, being from Australia?" The Monocle patiently explained that no, though it may sound as though The Monocle was Australian, it was in fact from England. The lady said "Well, what do I care?"
That was in the high hours, the heady minutes before the election, when the Monocle was pretty sure it knew what was going to happen. Anyway, whatever, it didn't. The Monocle woke up the morning after the long night and went out, prepared for riots. People in the cafe next door were reading the newspaper. 'Did Kerry lose?' asked the Monocle. 'Pretty much' said the cafe owner. The Monocle looked around. A couple of people turned a page. Someone stirred their coffee, someone else sneezed quietly.
The Republicans are totally going to win this election without the vote of a single minority, everybody. Who needs black people? Who needs Latinos? Last week all the Republican candidates except John 'At This Point, Anything' McCain refused to debate on Unavision, North America's largest Spanish-language TV channel. Yesterday it emerged that the top 5 Republican candidates certainly weren't going to go down to Baltimore to debate at a historically black college. No way Jose. Turns out they're real busy that particular day. The 5, uh, shall we say "back runners", however, (wait, there are TEN GOP candidates? Really?) will be there. This story is starting to be picked up in every national blog: it could be serious.
Confused? Man, us too. Who are these people's PEOPLE? They should be hella fired. Maybe the thinking is this: with a Clinton and a black guy on the opposite end (and thus spake Giuliani yesterday, prophesying a Clinton/ Obama ticket in some interview or other) why even f*cking bother? Maybe that ship has already sailed...It might be worth mentioning, though, that this whole thing could be total bullcr*p - a mildly effective Democrat stunt. You know, that's kind of a cheering idea. Maybe finally the Donkey is growing some balls. Think about that. No, not that.
