Golly My Wife Is On the Phone What a Surprise.

Rudolph Giuliani has an iffy history with the National Rifle Association, to say the least. As mayor of New York F*ckin Citeh in its Taxi Driver days, he was kind of mean about guns. If you believe New Yorkers, back then a thirteen-year-old girl could buy a massive bazooka from her nearest Bodega and roam the streets unchecked, holding up steakhouses. So it's no wonder he said this:

Unfortunately, one can't swan about slagging off the NRA when one is running for President. Rudy's method of Mayoring in New York Citeh involved the heavy, heavy hand of the law taking a vice-like grip on all 5 boroughs. This doesn't really jive so well with the NRA's anti goverment-interference 'tude.

Inevitably, at the NRA conference on Friday, (like a beauty parade entirely for your wierd neighbour who sits out on the porch in a vest all day and stares at your wife for way too long) poor Rudy was required to backpedal, dodge, twist and shimmy in front of a stony-faced crowd. Brrr. Especially when Mike 'the governator' Huckabee of Arkansas kept going on about how he hunts every other day and named his youngest son Rifle and stuff.

Of course the best Gudy can hope for is that the NRA won't actively try to block his nomination; if they sit this election out - apart from muttering under their breath - he'll be ok. Rudy did his best, equating his LAWSUIT AGAINST GUN MANUFACTURERS (what was he thinking?) with the NRA's commitment to crime prevention. It was a masterful attempt. And then. This happened.

What. The F*ck.

We don't like to big ourselves up, but if a British politician tried a stunt like that little number the country would declare a national holiday entirely devoted to taking the piss; there'd be street-fairs, mandatory re-enactments, dancing and huge screens with the whole thing playing on a glorious, insulting loop. The politician would be forced to sign a pledge that he would never again run for elected office and would retire to a life of guest-hosting 'Have I Got News For You', writing for the Spectator and being papped outside Mahiki. His obituary would be accompanied by a photograph of him taking part in a charity football match dressed as a mobile phone.

The NRA gave him grudging applause.

Thatcher and Giuliani: Love All

FINALLY! Someone somewhere has realized that England totally wasn't getting enough play in this election and sent a delegation to meet with the government. Only, they went to meet the government of 1984, as led by Big Bad Baroness Thatcher. And they sent Rudy Giuliani. But no matter! We're important!

Before he jumped back on the plane to spend today with the National Rifle Association, Rudy shook as many limp British hands as he could, went to a fundraising dinner, and embraced the ghost of conservatives past by hanging out with the Iron Lady. But WHY? Well, The Guardian suggests that gabbing with The Milk Snatcher is as close as these GOP candidates can get to actually exhuming the body of Ronald Reagan.

Now that everyone can see just how special we are to the Free World, get ready for a veritable onslaught of potential Presidents: the next few months will bring Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, ratcheting up the gorgeous with every new visitor. So pick a guy, then arrange to spend 5,000 smackeroos for the privilege of having your photo taken with them at a dinner. They're like Mickey Mouse; and it costs about the same as a trip to Disneyland.

Clinton Vs. Giuliani

Surprise! Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani are still scuffling about that pesky war. Poor Hillary: one tiny vote for the war in Iraq, like, AGES ago, and people just won't get off her case about it. This latest bout of playground pushing comes in the wake of a f**king stupid advertisement in the New York Times taken out by liberal campaigners MoveOn. The ad dubbed General Petraeus 'General Betray-Us' which isn't even funny and made the Democrats look like crazy slogan-shouting nonsense-pedlars. Mind you, MoveOn.org has always been the embarassing uncle of the liberal movement.

Soo, after a breif victory jig, the Republican party wasted no time choosing Hillary as their prime target.

Hillary fought back, saying: "I have repeatedly not only expressed my strong admiration and support for our men and women in uniform but with respect to General Petraeus, I have also made my respect for him abundantly clear and I think that speaks for itself," which both makes no sense and seems utterly clear, like almost everything she ever says.

Both candidates actually benefit from this kind of public one-on-one; by only taking each other on they're almost already fighting the general election, as well as further endearing themselves to their core supporters. The only possible problem will come when the entire country realizes that the issue is unbelievably boring, and has nowhere to go. Hillary voted for the war. Now she wishes she hadn't. She's probably not gonna say sorry about that. You decide. The end.

G.O.P. Maybe Wins G.O.P. Debate!

Last night the Republican party barely snatched victory from defeat in their televised New Hampshire debate, despite the fact that they were only debating each other. Eeesh, it doesn't look good out there. In all the liveblogging The Monocle has perused this morning (so you don't have to! Cos you totally would otherwise!) everyone seems to have been drinking heavily. Here's a list. Everyone likes a list.

1)According to a buncha drunks sitting in the dim lights of their family basements, John McCain acquitted himself very nicely, considering that his campaign recently underwent financial armageddon and a slew of rats running up the gangplank. McCain can't be written off just yet - amongst the furious sniping of Don Giuliani and the Mormon he's starting to look like a real good guy.
2)Giuliani always looks surprisingly clever, though that may indicate quite how far his press team have to travel before January. Also, if they can, they should maybe try and tone down the ugly. Perhaps some different glasses, Jeez, perhaps even something to make him taller. Less...like a depressed rabbit. Just thinking out loud.

3)The second speaker is Mike Huckabee. You can ignore him.
4)RON PAUL 4 PRSIDENT SPEACKIN TRUTH 2 POWER!
5)Oh god. We can't really go on with this...so yeah. It's just...the idea of so many months till January...so...many...debates...This is just for New Hampshire. There are like a HUNDRED more states after this one. Pass the gin.

Meet the Family: Rudy

While the Democratic party romps all over the media, well-slept and neatly dressed, the Republican party has emerged into the 2008 campaign looking absolutely knackered. (Having said that, it has long been clear that the Democrats couldn't pump a bullet into the GOP if they were given a free shot from three inches away.) Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House, has suggested that the only hope for the GOP in 2008 would be a revolution within the party. The public's negative view of current party leaders means that prospective presidential candidates have to bill themselves as Republican mavericks: viable opponents to both the Democratic party AND the Bush administration. With that in mind, The Monocle invites you to meet just one of the good men up for the job of All-New Republican President.

Heeeere's Rudy! Former Mayor of New York City Rudolph 'zero tolerance' Giuliani, famous for bigging up the rotten apple, is striding ahead. Rudy's finest moment, pottering about in the ashes of the World Trade Centre with a megaphone, whuumphed him right into the status of Legend. Rudy's a bit of a conundrum: for a presidential candidate, he's not so hot on family values. Currently married to his third wife, he is estranged from his grown-up son, and has yet to come down properly on either side of the abortion fence. While the idea of a pro-choice Republican candidate got the religious right's knickers in quite a twist, Giuliani has, disappointingly, backpedalled furiously on the issue. in 1989 he said "There must be public funding for abortions for poor women. We cannot deny any woman the right to make her own decision about abortion because she lacks resources." Unfortch, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE Rudolph Giuliani feels a little differently: "States should make their decision. Some states decide to do it, most states decide not to do it. And I think that's the appropriate way to have this decided." Oh well. With the McCain campaign being whaled up and down by a series of resignations and accusations of wild financial fumbling, Rudy has emerged, thus far, as the only real contender, apart from Mitt Romney, and MITT ROMNEY IS A MORMON, PEOPLE, A MORMON. (That is not a typo.) Can he shake off the slightly seedy aura of a thrice-married New Yorker in time to win over the Republican base?