The Monocle: MCCAIN

Showing posts with label MCCAIN. Show all posts

Thursday, 6 September 2007

G.O.P. Maybe Wins G.O.P. Debate!

Last night the Republican party barely snatched victory from defeat in their televised New Hampshire debate, despite the fact that they were only debating each other. Eeesh, it doesn't look good out there. In all the liveblogging The Monocle has perused this morning (so you don't have to! Cos you totally would otherwise!) everyone seems to have been drinking heavily. Here's a list. Everyone likes a list.

1)According to a buncha drunks sitting in the dim lights of their family basements, John McCain acquitted himself very nicely, considering that his campaign recently underwent financial armageddon and a slew of rats running up the gangplank. McCain can't be written off just yet - amongst the furious sniping of Don Giuliani and the Mormon he's starting to look like a real good guy.
2)Giuliani always looks surprisingly clever, though that may indicate quite how far his press team have to travel before January. Also, if they can, they should maybe try and tone down the ugly. Perhaps some different glasses, Jeez, perhaps even something to make him taller. Less...like a depressed rabbit. Just thinking out loud.

3)The second speaker is Mike Huckabee. You can ignore him.
4)RON PAUL 4 PRSIDENT SPEACKIN TRUTH 2 POWER!
5)Oh god. We can't really go on with this...so yeah. It's just...the idea of so many months till January...so...many...debates...This is just for New Hampshire. There are like a HUNDRED more states after this one. Pass the gin.

Friday, 20 July 2007

Daily Briefing: McCain Campaign Finally Does the Maths

A leaked Memo from the newly, uh, streamlined McCain campaign has stunned the internets. Making a comparison between McCain's recent financial booboos and the 1979 meldown of Ronald Reagan's White House-headed juggernaut, this memo advises the Senator to "Live off the Land." And while the poor guy crouches behind a New Hampshire oak tree gnawing on discarded hotdogs his advisors have hit upon a revolutionary fundraising strategy. "Spend less", they suggest. "Raise more." Oh. Ok then.

Back on the front lines, and Mitt Romney called Barack Obama a pervert, while the Pentagon suggested that Hillary Clinton has been spreading enemy propaganda. Like we haven't heard that one before. Apparently Ms. Clinton, as a member of the Armed Services Committee, asked for a detailed proposal for the withdrawl of troops from Iraq. That bitch.

Aaand, just to prove how cuddly she is, Hill and Bill - Billary, if you will - have spoofed the Sopranos ending. Not afraid to be themselves, those darn Clintons.

Well, she's a better actor than he is.

Thursday, 19 July 2007

Rhymes With McCain

Pain. Drain. Strain. John McCain has had a really, really bad week.

Do Come In

Welcome to The Monocle. We hold these truths to be self-evident: The race for the race for the Whitehouse has begun, and over the next year fine political minds will chant in unison. They will wander, lost and shivering, through their own sentences, they will sleep 1 hour in 400, and, in some cases, hunt duck on live television. By this process the American people will, in November 2008, be given the opportunity to choose the leader of the free world. Join us, as we pick the best bits out for you.

Honk For Kerry

The Monocle once campaigned for John Kerry. It stood at an intersection in the centre of Philadelphia holding a sign that read HONK FOR KERRY! There were 5 other people on the roundabout doing the same thing. The Monocle jumped up and down and waved the sign in the air. Some people honked. It was pretty cold out there.

The lady in the shed called it 'consciousness raising' and handed over signs. People stupid enough to run skidded dangerously on a rolling sea of Sharpies and Pentels. The Monocle was sent to a specific roundabout - a special, designated junction, mind - with a couple who had driven all the way from North Carolina. The couple were wearing matching lavender fleeces. They were accompanied by an older lady dressed in newspaper. Everybody drank Dunkin' Donuts coffee and rubbed their hands together. The Monocle felt quite sick with excitement.

Some people honked so much that they drove round the block to do it again. Some slowed down to shout encouragement. Some slowed down to throw trash. A yellow truck slowed down so that a man could lean out the of the window and shout "No thankyou! No thankyou! He wants to have lunch with Saddam Hussein!" before he was out of earshot.

A lady wandered up and touched The Monocle on the elbow. She said "What do you care, no offense, but what do you care, being from Australia?" The Monocle patiently explained that no, though it may sound as though The Monocle was Australian, it was in fact from England. The lady said "Well, what do I care?"

That was in the high hours, the heady minutes before the election, when the Monocle was pretty sure it knew what was going to happen. Anyway, whatever, it didn't. The Monocle woke up the morning after the long night and went out, prepared for riots. People in the cafe next door were reading the newspaper. 'Did Kerry lose?' asked the Monocle. 'Pretty much' said the cafe owner. The Monocle looked around. A couple of people turned a page. Someone stirred their coffee, someone else sneezed quietly.

The Monocle adjusted its spectacles.

The Monocle