Dennis Kucinich: We'll Have What He's Having.

Hello, birds, hello trees! All you need is love, da-da-dada-da, All you need is love - and a stupendously hot wife growing out of your left shoulder - da-da-dada-da. And possibly a small amount of high-grade, da-da-dada-da. Democratic Presidential Candidate Dennis Kucinich is no longer the Former Mayor of Cleveland, he's the Goddamn Mayor of Love. Unhuh, get down! And while you're down there, let us know if you can see what Elizabeth K is doing to her husband from behind to make him smile like that. Then go to your happy place. In ours, Kucinich has been elected president entirely on the back of this Ad:

Sigh.

The time when The Monocle felt most loved was when we called our mum at 4 in the morning, and she said "Don't worry about waking me, I can take the chutney out of the oven" then totally talked us through a really hard time. Mums are the best! See, bet you thought we'd be snarky. Snarky no more! It's a new day, and we're gonna make sure Kucinich is President. Now. In order to get him elected we'll have to get rid of that smile, run some negative ads, take a lot more money from special interest groups, denounce that sh*t about gay marriage, refuse to talk about abortion, ignore the immigration bill, at least mention Jesus, get some lifts on those shoes and...Oh. Oh wait.

Bugger.

Golly My Wife Is On the Phone What a Surprise.

Rudolph Giuliani has an iffy history with the National Rifle Association, to say the least. As mayor of New York F*ckin Citeh in its Taxi Driver days, he was kind of mean about guns. If you believe New Yorkers, back then a thirteen-year-old girl could buy a massive bazooka from her nearest Bodega and roam the streets unchecked, holding up steakhouses. So it's no wonder he said this:

Unfortunately, one can't swan about slagging off the NRA when one is running for President. Rudy's method of Mayoring in New York Citeh involved the heavy, heavy hand of the law taking a vice-like grip on all 5 boroughs. This doesn't really jive so well with the NRA's anti goverment-interference 'tude.

Inevitably, at the NRA conference on Friday, (like a beauty parade entirely for your wierd neighbour who sits out on the porch in a vest all day and stares at your wife for way too long) poor Rudy was required to backpedal, dodge, twist and shimmy in front of a stony-faced crowd. Brrr. Especially when Mike 'the governator' Huckabee of Arkansas kept going on about how he hunts every other day and named his youngest son Rifle and stuff.

Of course the best Gudy can hope for is that the NRA won't actively try to block his nomination; if they sit this election out - apart from muttering under their breath - he'll be ok. Rudy did his best, equating his LAWSUIT AGAINST GUN MANUFACTURERS (what was he thinking?) with the NRA's commitment to crime prevention. It was a masterful attempt. And then. This happened.

What. The F*ck.

We don't like to big ourselves up, but if a British politician tried a stunt like that little number the country would declare a national holiday entirely devoted to taking the piss; there'd be street-fairs, mandatory re-enactments, dancing and huge screens with the whole thing playing on a glorious, insulting loop. The politician would be forced to sign a pledge that he would never again run for elected office and would retire to a life of guest-hosting 'Have I Got News For You', writing for the Spectator and being papped outside Mahiki. His obituary would be accompanied by a photograph of him taking part in a charity football match dressed as a mobile phone.

The NRA gave him grudging applause.

Hillary Tells a Joke

Here's a tasty taste of what happens when you don't let a candidate sleep for 40 days:



Is it us, or does Hillary look like she forgot that her role as best man at a shotgun wedding wasn't over and got stuck into the 'poo way before lunch had even started, so that by the time the speeches rolled around she had to be poked in the gut by her beady-lookin' wife, slipped a little on her way to the mic, forgot the name of the bride, told a dick joke, realised she was bombing and, in desparation, thought it'd be funny to liken the bride's mother to Darth Vader.

We like this new, 'Boris Johnson' Hillary. It's a great way to go. Though: at least, if you're going to let your candidate talk trash about how the Vice President is a supervillain, put a little blusher on her. Give her some coffee.

Thatcher and Giuliani: Love All

FINALLY! Someone somewhere has realized that England totally wasn't getting enough play in this election and sent a delegation to meet with the government. Only, they went to meet the government of 1984, as led by Big Bad Baroness Thatcher. And they sent Rudy Giuliani. But no matter! We're important!

Before he jumped back on the plane to spend today with the National Rifle Association, Rudy shook as many limp British hands as he could, went to a fundraising dinner, and embraced the ghost of conservatives past by hanging out with the Iron Lady. But WHY? Well, The Guardian suggests that gabbing with The Milk Snatcher is as close as these GOP candidates can get to actually exhuming the body of Ronald Reagan.

Now that everyone can see just how special we are to the Free World, get ready for a veritable onslaught of potential Presidents: the next few months will bring Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, ratcheting up the gorgeous with every new visitor. So pick a guy, then arrange to spend 5,000 smackeroos for the privilege of having your photo taken with them at a dinner. They're like Mickey Mouse; and it costs about the same as a trip to Disneyland.

Ron Paul Supporter Makes A Good Point

For the longest time, we've felt that Republican candidate Ron Paul's supporters give the internet the worst name. They shout at you in BADLY SPELLD CAPTIAL LETTERS ON YOUTUBE RON APUL 4 PRESDIENT SPEAKIN TRUTH 2 POWER READ THE DESCRIPTION!!!!!!!! A new dawn is breaking, however, as one brave Paul-ista makes her voice heard above the crowd. And how? With her bare, pure, honest skin, of course. It's raw. It's moving. It's art:




Wouldn't she be stupid not to? Personally, we don't think a thing's been said properly unless it's been said by a tank top. Ours have the details of John Edwards's poverty policy. Also, they're baby blue! Awesome.

Is America Ready for a Woman Whatsitcalled?

Hey everybody! People keep asking, "Is America ready for a woman President?" To this, we reply: Is America ready for a FEMALE president. FEMALE. In what eaarthly world is "woman" an adjective? GodDAMMIT.

Back when The Monocle was in college, and there was nothing to do but get high and spend our student loans on box-sets of HBO shows, we sure did watch a lot of Sex And The City. Aaah, good times. Often, when things are bothering us, we still like to sit around in our comfiest lingerie/Manolo combination and ponder those big questions in life. You too, right? And when Samantha Bee got a job as a comedy pundit on US faux-news program The Daily Show, there were those who wondered: is America ready for a woman comedian? Then it turned out that Samantha was OMG sooo funny. Here she is, finally pointing out quite how dumb a certain question is.

Republicans Hate Jesus, Minorities.

The Republicans are totally going to win this election without the vote of a single minority, everybody. Who needs black people? Who needs Latinos? Last week all the Republican candidates except John 'At This Point, Anything' McCain refused to debate on Unavision, North America's largest Spanish-language TV channel. Yesterday it emerged that the top 5 Republican candidates certainly weren't going to go down to Baltimore to debate at a historically black college. No way Jose. Turns out they're real busy that particular day. The 5, uh, shall we say "back runners", however, (wait, there are TEN GOP candidates? Really?) will be there. This story is starting to be picked up in every national blog: it could be serious.


Confused? Man, us too. Who are these people's PEOPLE? They should be hella fired. Maybe the thinking is this: with a Clinton and a black guy on the opposite end (and thus spake Giuliani yesterday, prophesying a Clinton/ Obama ticket in some interview or other) why even f*cking bother? Maybe that ship has already sailed...It might be worth mentioning, though, that this whole thing could be total bullcr*p - a mildly effective Democrat stunt. You know, that's kind of a cheering idea. Maybe finally the Donkey is growing some balls. Think about that. No, not that.