Barack Obama. At Last.

Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois, is the Democratic party's nominee for President of the United States.
It took Obama 400 years to wrestle this nomination from Hillary Clinton, and he has 5 days to campaign for the actual office of president, but...wait. There's plenty of time for that sorta talk. Stay with us, listeners. The Monocle had been watching the Obama YouTube channel, and it feels a little bit strange.

The Monocle grew up with hope - we spent our childhoods parading round in vegan booties on behalf of, I dunno, like Peace and Fluffy Bunnies and shit. Our parents drew special little protest signs for our tiny hands to hold. Unlike their American counterparts, that generation didn't really, as Winona says in (this generation's Anna Karenina) Reality Bites, sell their dreams for a pair of running shoes. Nah, in Europe they just sort of...moved to Wales.

When the Monocle arrived in America George Bush was about to be re-elected, and no-one really cared. Oh sure, there were a couple of vigils every now and then, but the whole protest movement was confined to the Women's Studies Department of one small section of Washington Square park in New York Citeh. The Monocle gazed around, befuddled. Where was their responsibility? Where was the communication? The Monocle would like to suggest that the movement we didn't see then can be be seen clearly now: that movement is here:


We Europeans haven't thought much of America in the last few years. We suspected they didn't really get things done, not properly, not moving to Wales properly. We never imagined they'd give Obama the nomination. Now, America's got plenty of time to utterly balls this up. Come November we could be lookin' at President Grandpaw McCain. That'd be a'ight. But for today, high on insomnia, we'll buy the Obama Campaign's story, and we'll admit that we've learnt a lesson. We might believe that Barack Obama's narrative is as carefully written as a novel, but it works. It works because people are ready to take it and make it happen. Story ain't just story, not in a place like America. Story is everything. Story makes things happen. Protest is valuable, but it doesn't do this.

Darn! Outfoxed again, you wily campaign strategists!

A Call for the Resting of Certain Guardian Journalists

Dear Sir,

It has come to our attention that certain of your good colleagues have overloaded on Dunkin Donuts, bleary back-seat cat-naps, incessant, blaring hotel-television news, debate-hall entrance music and constant deadlines, and have started to turn in copy like this:

Last week was his worst since he launched his campaign in February last year. He was tested by an incendiary public appearance last week by his former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, which pushed race up the agenda.


We suggest that you let Ewan MacAskill and Suzanne Goldberg have a break, already. Nobody really cares about this stuff anymore anyway. Give them a minibreak. Maybe together. Let 'em come back when two people are actually running for President.

If you don't, they might try to push something much pointier than race up YOUR agenda.

Respectfully Yours

The Monocle.

Bloggers Against Voting: Take Your Stand

Welcome back, y'all! Unfortunately the Monocle overloaded sometime around the 36th Very Last Primary, and we've just now stepped off the plane from a charming little retreat on an unamed island somewhere between cell-phone & broadband ranges, so we have no idea who the Democrats chose as their nom...what. The. F*ck? Seriously. No.

Indiana? Are they MAKING UP STATES now?

Maaargh, at this stage, all the Democrats are doing making quite sure the world knows that neither candidate can win a gosh darn election. Ok. Fine. Whatever. The Monocle is strong. The Monocle is going to ignore "Indiana", and very quickly, very quietly, call the race for Barack Obama. See! No problem. Obama. No wait! No, Obama.

The Monocle is then going to call for a radical change in the voting system, whereby one state, (and we'd like to nominate...say, New York - see that was easy), will choose both nominees in one swift primary, then another (hmm, let's say Pennsylvania) will choose the President.

If that's not possible, America must never be allowed to vote again. We, the rest of the world, will elect their President, and we will do it in time for lunch.

In the meantime, it seems that, for reasons literally nobody cares about, Obama will absolutely, definitely, certainly, without a shadow of a whisker of a doubt, be the nominee. Probably.

In Depth With The Romney Boys

What could possibly have drawn the Monocle out of its coma? Was it the surprisingly viable Huckabee candidacy (WE CALLED IT! WE CALLED IT AGES AGO!)? Was it the moronic hooha surrounding Hillary's allegedly career-turning sniffle? Was it the inevitable race-based fracas between Hillary and Barack, a fight which proves, once and for all, that the Democratic party is perfectly capable of losing this race all by themselves, THANKyouverymuch? Nope. It's a Salt Lake City Blog. Click here to peruse the work of one a few brave Utah women, as they ask the one question no-one's afraid to answer: Mitt Romney's sons: Hott? Or Nott? Now, when you reach the pink haven of this gorgeous slice of Internet Punditry, remember to take some time to browse these boys' Myspace pages. It's worth it, believe us.

Oh, and welcome back, Upper East Siders. You know you love me.
xoxo

Playing Gotcha: Hillary's Achilles Heel

As our national football team miss-kick England's dreams in an operatic, mud-splattered failure, our minds turn to another booboo across the pond. Last week Hillary Clinton was polling at 46% in the race for the Dem's nomination. This week: 36%. What the he'? How'd THAT happen? Suffice to say, she has had a bit of a 'mare, these last few news cycles. Let's take a closer look.

Suzanne Goldberg of the Guardian, in town last week to flog her new book (but none the worse for it) got her Mystic Meg on and predicted something: the issue that's going to follow Hillary Clinton around like a bad smell ain't her husband, it ain't her continuing (dude! Stop it) votes in support of the Bush/Cheney foreign policy, it ain't her pants suits or her spine-chilling laugh. No, said Goldberg, rather than being stuck between Iraq and a hard place, she's going to be hung out to dry on the subject of Immigration.

Hillary, as an elected representative for the state of New York, came out in support of some pretty progressive immigration legislation, and generally bigged up the subject. She wadn't going to get elected in New York otherwise. UN fortunately, what gets you elected in new York is eh-he-hexTREMELY unlikely to endear you to the good people of, well, practically anywhere else in America.

And lo, she was thusly hoisted on her own petard:

And further lo, did Edwards and Obama bear down upon her, great shiny white teeth a'glinting, and tear her answer limb from limb and sniggering all the while.

Nobody knows yet where Hillary Clinton's going to come down on the subject of Immigration, or quite how her campaign are going to wrestle their narrative back into position. Indeed, the Clintonians have been leading the story for so long that they might have plum forgotten how to do anything else. Of the 8 points they dropped last week, Obama took 2, Edwards took 4, and 3, like, don't even know anymore man. As the anonymous lobbyist says, perhaps the people Americans want to see politicking aren't necessarily the people they want to see in charge of the country.

Mind you, at the Democrat's death-match-cage-fight in Las Vegas last week, Hillary stood triumphant and bloodied at the end:

Oooo, SNAP.

Election 2008 OR...The Archers?

Sorry, guess we must have passed out in a drunken stupor on the couch after the 300th New Debate Format Extravaganza. Even PAID bloggers don't try to do too much. Where are we now? Hold on a sec...ok. Right. Weeee're...pretty much where we left off! Turns out this race is like The Archers: 3 updates a day, and you could emigrate for fifty years without much happening. Though at least the Archers had a gay marriage, and, while our great aunt threw her embroidery across the room when it happened, that was a price Radio 4 was willing to pay, unlike SOME leaders of the free world we could mention.

Jeez, something must have happened. Ok, ok, everyone got all het up about Hill-Clint's laugh:
and you can kinda see their point. It looks like she's about to kill us. But then again, we like that about her, right?

John Edwards was accused of cheating on his (AWESOME, DYING, SHOULD-TOTALLY-BE-PRESIDENT) wife. There are no links to this story available on the internet anymore, which means that The National Enquirer was probably about to get the living bejesus sued out of them by the Edwards Campaign. Edwards also seems to have been losing some ground in Iowa, his last chance saloon, to Obama AND Hillary. This makes us so depressed we want to get drunk and pass out again.

We'd like to give a shout out to our new fave columnist: Gail Collins of the New York Times. Click here to read her on baby boomers and Hillary.


Hillary is winning. Everything. Still. But seriously, read Gail Collins. And listen to the Archers. And hell, have a slice of cake. Aaah; it's good to be back.

Clinton On Top

Now a certain someone has finally come on out and said who they think's gonna win the democratic primaries. Pundits have been waiting with baited breath for this moment. But who is our mysterious political soothsayer? Is it Al Gore? Newt Gingrich? David Letterman? Britney Spears? Woah. Hold up. Check this, you guys: it's the President. You know, the President of the United States? Medium-sized, cowboy hat, undead wife? No? Um. Anyway, he reckons Hillary Clinton's going to win everything.

Deep. It's not like she's polling in the stratosphere, spent this Sunday on all five breakfast talk shows, has raised trazillions and is attracting other people's campaign staff like she's a magnet and they're iron shavings. It's not like if aliens attacked and were vanquished by a nuclear arsenal (hello? did no-one think of this? when we're fighting an intergalactic war we'll be whistling a different tune about Iran, that's for sure) the single comprehensible piece of information they'd take away from the planet is that Hillary's pretty much gonna get the nomination. It's not like Bush predicting this is the same as him putting on his deepest voice and saying "MARK ME: TOMORROW WILL BE A WEDNESDAY." Mind you, he's not all that good at the days of the week.

WHY do the Repubs keep bandying Hillary about? Are they afraid of looking stupid when she does get the nomination? Or is there a darker reason? Might they...WANT her to get it? Might they be massaging the conservative voting base by issuing dire warnings? Think about it. We're going on holiday...Back on Monday. Love you, byeeee.



We've been puzzlin' this one for a while now.