The Political Brain

It is a truth universally acknowledged that so far 2008:The Endless Campaign has been a bumper-pack of R&B videos, thinly disguised racial slurs and sopranos-related japery. There is no earthly reason why the world SHOULDN'T already have settled on the couch, chips n dips at the ready, to watch it unfold. But the Monocle is going on holiday, and before we go, like Jerry Springer, we'd like to take the tone deep down to Meaningful. Take a look at this article: http://politics.guardian.co.uk/bookshelf/story/0,,2143929,00.html

When George W. Bush was elected, Europe's furrowed its brow. When he was RE-elected, our collective mind boggled. The answer, rather simply, is this: he got the story right. For us here at the Monocle, political campaigns are fun for a very specific reason: they're about storytelling. Who are candidates? What story have they chosen to tell about themselves? Which stories do the American people want to hear? How do candidates control their own stories, and how do their opponents spin webs of interpretation around them? Bill Clinton was a genius at it. The Monocle sat next to an elderly American couple the other day, and after the customary apologies for the State of their Nation, they got to talking about the Democratic candidates. What about John Edwards? the Monocle asked. "Ach, he feels like a loser," the couple said.

Drew Westen's new book, "The Political Brain: The Role of Emotion in Deciding the Fate of the Nation" is a comprehensive study of how Americans vote with their feelings. Well, sure and the Brits do as well, but America needs a hero. A home-grown hero. America needs a leader who knows how to tell the country that they were born to do the job. This year, Barack Obama is right on the money. This is how his wife tells his story:

Now there are some awesome Spouses in this race, not least the Little Man From Hope, Arkansas himself, but hey, how freaking great is Michelle Obama? We'd totes vote for her.

Westen's basic premise is this: People barely use their brains at all when they're voting. It's an interesting book. We're taking it with us to READ BY THE POOL. There's only one tiny flaw in his argument: Hillary Clinton is still the front runner for the nomination. What's HER story? The only thing she's really spinning is that she knows how to do the job. Well, that's kind of a story. The only person who knows how to play the game; the only guy who can wield the power properly. Yeah.

Blogtastic! Heroes and Villains

And so to the YearlyKos Convention, a great gathering of political nerds, elves and unemployed college grads, aaand the perfect setting for the latest installment of this month's Key Theme: Hillary vs. All You Motherf*ckers. While the YouTube debates are moderated by a talking puppet and require the candidates to submit their answers in song form only, the YearlyKostravaganza consists of 400 New-Balance-wearing political geeks pushing their spectacles up and asking questions about Section 14 of, er, Paragraph 40 (b) of the Amendment to the Bill for the Overturning of Steel Sanctions...Once again, Ms. Clinton caused a ruckus, throwing down with John Edwards about taking money from lobbyists. Hillary is now so used to the dogfight that she can't conceal her delight:

Yeah! So sue me! I'll take money! From the corporations! From any f*cker! I'm Cruella Motherf*cking Deville, assh*les! Bring it on! Watcha got, huh? Huh? Look upon these rolled-up shirt-sleeves, nerds, and cower. Hillary's here, and she's ready to do business. With anyone. You want a pantomime? Well I'm Your Fairy F*cking Godmother, and I'm here to get things done. Prettygirl Edwards, Pansyboy Obama, what kind of a world do you morons live in? Welcome to HillaryTown, U.S.A. This is real life. And real life hurts. MUAHAHAHA!

Goodness, those bloggists do like Obama, don't they? Poor man can hardly get a word out now without hundreds of screaming 20-somethings rising to their feet like they've just seen the Second Coming. Which, according to Mitt Romney, will take place in Missouri.

Mitt Romney: Champagne Mormon?

This weekend, you couldn't swing a cat without hitting a Presidential Candidate debate. They were practically standing in your supermarket aisles while you chose your cereal, "clarifying your question for you." At the YearlyKos convention the Dems were trotted up and down in front of an elite squadron of liberal bloggers, while the Repubs enjoyed the benefits of TV scheduling, going out live to the country early on a Sunday morning. Of course, the most revealing debate of the last few days comes courtesy of a hidden camera, Mitt Romney and an Iowan radio show host. The clip is 20 full minutes long. Who has 20 minutes for this sh*t? You do.
Is Mitt a real Mormon, or does his pro-choice record make him, like, a PUSSY kind of Mormon? Will he put off the religious right with his mimsy-pimsy, gay-marryin', alcohol-toleratin' carryings on? Oh yes, America's problem with you is that you might be a teensy bit liberal, and not that you believe, as you clearly state, that Christ's Second Coming will take place in both Jerusalem and Missouri. In fact, only once in a blue moon do we get to see a candidate speak so fluently and ungaurdedly about anything. Governor Romney makes a convoluted but passionate defense of the relationship between his politics and his faith. He's still a Mormon, but this will do him good. It wasn't done...on purpose, was it?

The Ames Straw Poll

Welcome to Ames, Iowa, everybody! Have a cookie! The Ames Straw Poll is the small town of Ames's way of helping the Republicans figure out how everybody's doing out there. Sometimes these campaigns get so crazy, it's nice just to check in, you know? Have a little dinner, raise a little money for the GOP. Debate some, drink some, poll some. It's super-fun. Republican candidates even buy people tickets to go, just in case they couldn't afford it. So this year's Straw Poll is screeching ever closer; by August 11th, our long, cold wait'll be over....

Giuliani? Brownback? Huckabee? McCain? Romney? Thompson? Erm. Ok. Ok, this is kind of embarrassing, but some of the candidates just called to cancel. Apparently Giuliani's got some dinner he can't get out of. And McCain can't scrape together the busfare. And Fred Thompson says he wouldn't want us to go to any extra trouble just for him. Whatever! It's still going to be a GREAT party. Who needs THOSE GUYS. We'll make our own fun. This poll still totally counts, people. Maybe Sam Brownback'll bust out some party trick and everyone'll be really, REALLY sorry they missed it. And hey, Giuliani, stop hanging around in Iowa if you're not going to eat our home-made cookies. We know what you're up to, buster: you think you might just win this poll without even trying. Well, spending every day in Iowa until August 11th, then leaving on the morning of the poll is still trying, young man. You think you're sooo cool, don't you? Rudy 'Look, no hands!' Giuliani. Well, no-one in Iowa likes a show-off. Why, it was the Ames Straw Poll that kick-started George W. Bush's campaign in 1999. Don't mess with us.

Hillary Hates Boys, The Establishment

You remember in high-school when you didn't have all that many friends, and, like, the system was oppressive, man, but you were sure you were destined for intellectual world domination yourself? You remember your diary entries? You know how you read them now and vow that no-one, but no-one, will ever be allowed to see them? Imagine if your little brother put them on the internet. Imagine if this happened to Hillary Clinton. Well, it has! Enough of this policy! Let's get serious. Some nasty bastard she used to write to in high-school has published her teenage letters. Hahahaha.

“God, I feel so divorced from Park Ridge, parents, home, the entire unreality of middle class America,” she says. “This all sounds so predictable, but it’s true.” Oh us too, Hill-Dog. Us too. In fact, the more she speaks, the nearer she comes: “I’d play out in the patch of sunlight that broke the density of the elms in front of our house and pretend there were heavenly movie cameras watching my every move.” Now some people will mock, but those people will not be us. No sir.

And bejayzus, not so much with the God, huh? She asks herself to “define ‘happiness’ Hillary Rodham, acknowledged agnostic intellectual liberal, emotional conservative.”

Actually, that sounds ok.

And how about “Man is born to live, not prepare for life.” Yep, we like it.

“Can you be a misanthrope and still love or enjoy some individuals? How about a compassionate misanthrope?” Erm, we think so. And “Sunday was lethargic from the beginning as I wallowed in a morass of general and specific dislike and pity for most people but me especially." Dude, TOTALLY. In our world, every day is that day. If we could deal man, we'd vote for you.

Bring It On

Let's see, McCain still has no money, but his campaign has taken on the thrilling tint of an heroic insurgency, which should be good for a few more months. 'Matinee' Mitt Romney told everyone to 'lighten up' about 9/11, and Rudy had a pretty serene month. Democrat Joe Biden (who was once famously busted for nicking an autobiographical speech off Neil Kinnock, of all people) has been answering inquiries as to whether he's kinda just running for Secretary of State really. He said "HELL no!" He means yes. But the REAL news of the campaigns this weekend is actually about the news itself: this Clinton/Obama hooha has legs. Like a cockroach, it has survived the news cycle for 7 days. Oh it's ON now.

Let's see if we can get the order right: At the youtube """'debate""", Obama said that he would absolutely meet with foreign dictators, without condition. Clinton said that the President wasn't supposed to do dumb things like that. After the debate, Hillary made the mistake of doing a little victory shuffle, saying that Obama's answer had been 'irresponsible and naive.' This was a dig too many for Obama, who went straight for the jugular, for the first time addressing Clinton's vote for the Iraq war. This is significant for a couple of reasons. Until now, Obama has left Clinton to flounder about in her own mess with that now-infamous pro-war vote. Why dig where she's obviously weakest? It only makes you look like a bully. Now Clinton's done some playground-pushing, however, there's no way Obama's going to lie down and take it, but, since that was Obama's Foreign Policy trump card, his people must have seen this as a crucial moment for their candidate. What worried them so much?

Then Obama said that Hillary was 'Bush Lite', to which Clinton snorted 'Whatever happened to the Politics of Hope?' She had a point; while the Republicans are expected to hop about calling each other perverts, we like a wussier approach in our Democrats, if you please. Blah blah blah, Obama said something, blah blah Clinton released an interview with Obama which provedish that Obama had contradicted himself, blah Obama said that ACTUALLY it totally didn't contradict anything, anyway. Ad Nauseam.

Now that Obama and Clinton have taken it out of the canteen and onto the playing fields, and the media have circled like junior classmen chanting 'fight, fight, fight fight fightfightfight', we need the old Coach to come out of his office, charge right in there and separate the panting candidates, reminding them that only they can take the team to the playoffs tonight. Unfortunately, there is no coach. There's Chris Dodd, but he's more of a retired neighbour. Once campaigning goes negative, it's darn hard to go back.

In the wake of her recent spat with the Pentagon, Clinton is beginning to look like a woman who can't quite get this whole 'foreign policy' thing down. One more slanging match and it'll look like she's running around picking fights with boys about war. Meanwhile John Edwards has quietly sucked up all the support Hillary and Obama have discarded in the last week. One newspaper suggests that this boosts him to the very top of the 'second tier' candidates, but the Monocle has always seen Edwards as the third top-tier Democrat in this race. His healthcare and poverty templates are the best of the bunch, and he's already an experienced campaigner. How he uses August will be crucial. Since Kennedy used the first televised debates to squish apparent favourite Richard Nixon, television has heralded great changes in electoral races. It's Happening. Again.

Yeah, what she said: You(tube) Decide.

There were questions in the form of a song, in the form of a talking snowman; there were questions from a man who called his gun his 'baby.' There was a probably-insightful question about No Child Left Behind that had such an embarassing heavy-metal soundtrack that the Monocle couldn't bear to watch another second. It wudn't really a debate. Monday's Youtube thing happened; everyone decided who won; everyone disagreed with each other; Hillary Clinton won. The end. You can hear the reverb on their microphones: they're speaking to people. Millions and millions of people. It's killing them. They can barely move.

1) If you have decided not to vote for Hillary because she's a woman, or for Obama because he's black, John Edwards doesn't want you to vote for him either. You hear that? He doesn't want your vote. Which means that he wants no votes at all. None.

2)In a beautiful world, Dennis Kucinich would be President. He's never gonna get elected, so f**k it! He do what he want! A) He's the only explicitly pro-gay marriage candidate, B) he's flat-out in favour of reparations for slavery, C) that's a natty little bow-tie, D) he's married to a woman LITERALLY TWICE HIS HEIGHT, and D) he's not so stupid, either. Much has been made of the size of the Democratic field, but if Kucinich can hang on until the primaries he'll push the campaigns in the right direction. He's a teeny, tiny blessing:

3)John Edwards had a thing or two to say about Hillary's jacket. In case you hadn't heard 5,000 times already, John's daddy wudn't nothin' but a l'il ol' millworker in No'f Car'lahna. Johnny sure has grown into quite the metrosexual, however.

4)Hillary Clinton smacked Obama DOWN. Like, everyone's talking about it. Did you see did you see? She smacked him DOWN etc. 'At this high-level.' Way to make Obama look like he's snapping at your heels. Clinton then kicked the prone Obama in the stomach, saying after the debate that his answer had been 'irresponsible and naive'. Yesterday Obama responded by calling Clinton out on her early vote for the Iraq war, saying "You know, I think Senator Clinton hasn't really answered that issue." This "I know you are, but what am I?" approach to a small youtube bitch-slap seems like a bad idea, but in fact Obama has counter-punched spectacularly well. He later said, on no less than TELEVISION: “It goes to the heart of whether or not we’re going to have a fundamental change in how the Bush administration has conducted foreign policy, or we’re going to have a version of Bush light.” And you know what, he's right. Clinton might well have taken a huge swing at a sitting target and clonked herself on the back of the head.

5)Those Americans sure do talk about RIGHTS a whole lot. Rights this, rights that. They don't say a damn thing about 'rights' in England. But then again, America is forever skirting the edge of people's civil rights. Guess it's more of an issue over there. And this is a Democratic Party debate. Mind, Clinton didn't shy away from 'family', 'American', 'family values' 'values' 'American values' 'fundamentally American'...golly. Obama used a fair bit of 'cynicism', 'unification', and 'movement'. John Edwards: 'personal journey', 'embrace and lift up' and 'mah wife'. Joe Biden: 'Catholic' 'Catholic', 'Catholic.' Mike Gravel: 'Listen!' 'Listen to me!' 'Follow the money!' 'Follow the money!' 'I'm telling you' 'Listen to this,' and 'In the pockets of.' A fine bunch. Vote Kucinich. Or Edwards. You decide.

And in conclusion:
Bravo!